Never Thirsty

How He Loves

2010-03-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany Sunday night at church. As I stood in a dimly lit sanctuary, surrounded by friends singing out hymns of praise to our one true God, I set the sight of my blinded eyes on my growing awareness of social injustices across our globe. Silently, while meditating on the great tragedies of our time, I listened to God's people sing, "Oh, how He loves us so. Oh, how He loves us. How he loves us so." Their voices were earnest, filled with emotion, filled with acceptance, filled with gratitude. And as I stood in the midst of a room enchanted by God's love, deep within I felt a voice speak:

"What about them?"

Startled by the question, I began to realize, perhaps for the first time ever, what a truly unique position I am in. I have lived a beautiful life, I have been raised by a beautiful family, and I have lived a life of freedom. Thankfully, I have also lived a life cognizant of who God is, what His salvation means, and have become more in-tune with His love with each passing year. But......

What about them?

What about those who have lived a tortured life? What about those whose family has posed as their own worst enemy? What about those who have live a life of slavery, whether it be slave to man, slave to self, or slave to destruction? And what about those who have never even heard mention of this God who "loves us so"?

Are they any less deserving of His love? .... Forget that question.

Is He any less gracious with His love?

In that moment, it began to become clear to me how incredibly selfish I have been. For 29 years now, I have been living my comfortable life, comfortably loving my family, comfortably loving and serving my God, and comfortably resting in His freedom.

Who am I to keep it all for myself? Who am I to believe whole-heartedly in the healing freedom of Christ, yet do nothing in attempts to bring that same freedom to others? Who am I to sit in a room, sing about His lavish and unending love, and in turn hoard it all and ignore the plight of millions living in chains, with little opportunity or even knowledge of how to fight for their own freedom?

On the other side of this realization, I am hesitant to be so bold as to say it is a new day. But, I will at least concede that it is a new tide.

When I was perhaps a junior or senior in high school, I could see that my life could go in one of two directions. Realizing the fork that was ahead, I remember coming before my Father with this heart-felt prayer: "Father, it is my desire in life to be an attorney and have a family. And I can see myself being very good at that. But I can see myself becoming so dedicated to my career and so involved in my family that I lose sight of you. So I pray that regardless of where my life would take me, I pray that I will never forsake or lose sight of you. I pray that my relationship would never stray from you and that I would never put you on the backburner in order to live 'the rest' of my life."

In hindsight, I have no idea where that prayer came from. But I realized today that ever since that prayer 10-12 years ago, one by one, the Lord has been giving me puzzle pieces that I have unknowingly received and tucked away. I believe He is now calling me to pull out those pieces and watch as they fit together. I do not believe I currently possess all the pieces I will need to finish the jigsaw, but like any good student of puzzlery, I am hopeful to believe I now have at least the borders. And as the borders start to fall into place, I am amazed, encouraged, and even challenged by the picture which is starting to take shape. Yet my answer remains resolute: I trust in You, Lord. May it be as you say.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost.

Yahweh - Reflections on Theology (Essentials Blue)

2010-01-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

For: The Essentials Blue Online Worship History Class with Dan Wilt

In my reading yesterday of N.T. Wright's Book Simply Christian, there was a quote which grabbed my full and utter attention. In the chapter discussing the nature of God, he says:

"With God's name there is another confusion which we must sort out. Because God's personal name was not to be spoken, the ancient Israelites developed a technique for avoiding doing so when reading their scriptures. When they came to the word YHWH, they would say ADONAI (which means "my Lord") instead. As a way of reminding themselves that this was what they had to do, they would sometimes write the consonants of YHWH with the vowels of ADONAI. This confused some later readers, who tried to say the two words together. With a bit of a stretch (and because some letters were interchangeable, including Y with J and W with V), they created the hybrid JEHOVAH."

YHWH, or pronounced Yahweh, was the formal name of God to the ancient Jews; one that commanded much respect and referred to God's deity. As Wright notes, the name commanded such reverence; Yahweh itself is commonly believed to translate to God, the "I AM". Adonai, on the other hand refers to the more personal name and nature of God, the more relational side.

It seems such a simple thought, but it blows me away that Jehovah, one of the most common names in reference of God ("Jehovah-Jireh" God the provider, "Jehovah-Shalom" God of Peace, "Jehovah-Rophe", God the Healer, etc.) is a, albeit accidental, combination of His divinity and His relational heart. Combining the God of the Red Sea, the God of the Great Flood, the God of all creation with the God who comforts me in my sleep, the God who provides for my needs and desires, the God who intimately knows me likes no other and loves me like no other..... That is a very powerful combination.

It is somewhat easier for me to sometimes think of God as separate operating entities and to compartmentalize the way He responds to us. But last night during worship, I simply meditated on the idea of God the I AM as partnered together with God my comforter and provider. In that realization of how indescribable His awesome power is, coupled with how sweet His loving compassion is, my heart cried out for Haiti and asked that He would move swiftly.

With His mighty power. With His great compassion. With His unfailing love. Yahweh. Adonai. Jehovah. We simply say, "Come."

This is How We Do It

2010-01-06T20:24:00.001-08:00

I have decided that the year 2010 will be a year of discipline for me. To coincide with that desire, I will be reading The Celebration of Discipline again. But this time, I am planning on actually finishing it. :) There are twelve corporate and individual disciplines highlighted in the book. My plan is to take one per month and focus on growing that discipline, adding to the disciplines of the previous months. This month is Meditation.

In God's always interesting timing, He showed me something last night through a conversation with a dear friend. In my desire to always "better" myself, I am constantly measuring myself against my own expectations and who I think I "should" be. For example:

I should be a better guitar player.

I should be able to get out of bed at a decent time in the morning.

I should be a better / more disciplined runner.

I should get more out of my quiet times with God.

I should have more consistent quiet times.

I should be able to maintain a healthier lifestyle.

I should be able to understand music theory enough to be able to sit down at a piano and play.

I should be a more dependable friend.

etc, etc, etc.

The result of these "should" statements is that I often wake up disappointed with myself. Disappointed for not waking up earlier, disappointed for missing another morning quiet time, disappointed for putting myself in a position to be late to work. Then, at night, I also often go to bed disappointed with myself for not running that day, not playing my guitar, wasting too much time in front of the TV.... Do you see how fruitless this all is?

Through this conversation with my friend, the Lord spoke to my heart this simple truth:

You are so caught up in YOUR requirements for your life..... where do you stand with MY requirements?

I realized I think more of what I expect from myself, rather than what God desires from me. But He has shown me what is good.

And what does the LORD require of me? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

Which sounds a lot more simple than all those other boxes that I've been trying to check off. (Although in an interesting side note, by focusing on my shortcomings, I have been inadvertently overlooking His mercy. By trying to find all these ways to "better" myself, I've been overlooking what God desires. Hmm.) This verse will be the focus of my meditation in January. My prayer is that through this, I will begin to turn my heart more towards the desires of God and focus less on how I fall short of my own desires. My hope is that by simply seeking first HIS kingdom, all the other longings will simply fall into place. This is something I know I can trust because it is something His word promises.

A recent song of John Mayer's has a line that I've been singing in my head quite a lot lately. He sings, "Your faith is strong/ but I can only fall short for so long". While those lyrics want to ring true in my head and my heart, God's response to those words commands my attention.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. Because it is by grace we have been saved through Christ, the hope of glory.

And the truth of that....... makes me smile.

Like a Prayer

2009-02-26T09:38:00.000-08:00

It's been interesting lately.

For a while, I have wanted to increase my prayer life. I felt I was always so selfish in my prayers, always thinking about myself and rarely remembering the prayers of others.

And please know I still have a LONG way to go on this. But it has been fun because more and more lately, if someone is on the phone with me, talking about issues / hard struggles, I almost ALWAYS feel the nudge to pray for them before getting off the phone. So, 9 times out of 10, I do. Which is something so very new for me.

Now, I still don't do a very good job of remembering them in my prayers at bedtime, but there are times when God calls them to mind during the day and I will say a quick prayer then. Still doesn't happen all the time, but I am encouraged by the fact that it is happening at all now, as opposed to prior years where I rarely prayed for others, either out loud in front of them, or in my heart alone. It is a cool, but very stretching journey.

There are more thoughts developing here, but I thought for now I would share the prayers that God has answered in helping me deepen my prayer life. Ha. He answered prayers about prayer.

What a good God. :)

Angel

2007-08-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

Gail and I just were sitting here watching a little Anderson Cooper when a commercial for the ASPCA comes on. The ASPCA is the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercial starts with a soft piano and the sweet voice of Sarah McLachlan singing her song "Angel". As the song progresses, photos of abused and mangled animals are shown on screen with statistics of how many each day are mistreated. In no way was it an "in your face" commercial, but rather effective and moving. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks and an ache in my heart, wondering what I would ever do if my little buddy Buster were hurt like that. As the commercial drew to a close, I looked at Gail with a lump in my throat, tears brimming, and thoughts running through as my head like, "I should have been a vet technician so I could help these animals!" and "I can't believe someone could be so cruel and heartless!" As the last note hung of the song hung in the air and the last picture faded, she looked at me with indifference and yelled, "AM I MADE OF STONE?!?"

Not a single tear. No remorse. The girl was unaffected. Maybe I should rethink my plans next time I leave for the weekend, placing Buster in her care.

Check the commercial out here. Let it be a test for you. Do you have a heart? Or are you like Gail?

Not To Us

2007-08-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

I tried to find a good picture to fit the theme for this post, which is God's Blessings. I couldn't really find anything I liked, but I did stumble across this guy's picture. His last name is apparently Blessing. So I thought, why not? Anyway, moving on....

A lot of times when I feel the Lord prompting me to do something, I procrastinate. Especially if it is something I am not excited about, something that requires me to humble myself, something that asks me to put others before myself, something that says I must lay down my pride and simply trust him. All of this is typically very hard for me and it takes a while of knowing what I should do before I actually act. And once the decision has been made to be faithful to Him in His request of me, I make myself feel better by thinking that following His desires will a) make me feel better and b) fix everything.

That is not always the case.

What if the Lord requires something from me, something I don't want to do, simply because it brings Him glory? What if I won't feel better? What if it doesn't fix everything? What if the results actually make me feel a little worse than I did before I acted? If I knew all this before hand, would I still be faithful to His calling?

Probably not.

I think sometimes we have such a desire to be blessed that we assume that everything the Lord asks us to do will shower immediate grace and blessings. And sometimes, that is simply not the case. Sometimes, the very thing we are most afraid of happening is exactly what the Lord brings about after we follow his prompting. (Something Jonah experienced great frustration over.)

Does that mean He is any less God?

No.

Does that mean we are any less loved?

Not at all.

Does that mean his desires to bless us are failing?

Never in a million years.

However, knowing these answers, these truths, does it make any of this easier?

Unfortunately not.

BUT, dear friends, in the long run, is it worth it?

Absolutely.

I have loved Hebrews 12 for quite a while now, but something that's just stuck with me recently is how it talks about when we submit to the Lord's discipline, it allows our spirits to live. Going through these trials, these testers.... it is so that a "harvest of righteousness" can be fostered within us so that we continuously grow in His love, reflecting His glory.

And THAT, my friends, is a blessing worth holding onto. Even when I don't feel the blessing for being faithful in the moment, I can rest in God's promise that through my trust, through my obedience, through my steadfastness to His commands, my life, my future, my spirit has been blessed. Praise the Lord for His unfailing love!

:)

Sound of Silence

2007-07-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, it has been a while since I've written. Were it not for comments from my sisters, I'm not sure I would be writing now. One of those things where there's much on the mind, but little to say.

I just got back from a weekend retreat with my family in Colorado. It was such a relaxing and nice weekend. Definitely too short, but what can you do. Duty calls. And I have no vacation time to stay longer. So I came home, even though my family is still basking in the Glory of God's best. It's OK, though. They miss me and wish I were there. I'd rather have people missing me and wanting me to be around, than looking at me and wishing I weren't. Human nature, I suppose. And while I was there, I got to see the sunrise from a mountain top surrounded only by nature, go swimming in a glacier-fed lake at over 10,000 feet, and spend lots of quality time with family and friends. Well worth the trip indeed.

One of the great quandaries of the christian life, from my perspective, is the question of purpose. Why am I here? What gifts do I have? How can I use those gifts and desires to bring the most glory to God? On a day to day basis, how do I keep my heart and mind in step with what He desires for me?

Several months back, I found myself at my desk praying a fairly odd prayer. I had been reading an article about an escaped prisoner from the LRA. While reading, I felt compelled to pray for something. Reading the article didn't give me a passion to go help with the escape of current captives, nor did it give me a desire to go provide ministry to the former captives trying to restore to whatever normalcy there is left to life. I did, however, feel compelled to pray for a platform. Much like that of Bono. A platform where I can call attention to the issues, inspire others to get involved, and encourage those who are already serving in a trained capacity to release the prisoners from the darkness. And before long, I felt myself praying, "Lord, if one day I am nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, that would be fantastic. Not because I want the recognition and not because I want the honor, but rather because I want to know that I have made that large of an impact for your Kingdom. I want to be used for your glory."

And then, I realized what I said, kind of laughed, and thought, "Are you kidding me? Who does that? Who prays to win a Nobel Peace Prize?"

Apparently the same girl who used to pray to be the next Virgin Mary, giving birth to Jesus. (I had major confusion when I heard Jesus was coming back and thought that meant he would be born again to another Virgin. The confusion has since been cleared and the prayer retracted.) :)

Regardless, this is the question I find welling up within myself every single day. And I haven't the slightest of clues as to what the answer is. I will not lie. I feel as though there is a distinct calling on my life for the Ministry. And I believe the Lord is going to use me, quite possibly, in some very large ways. But how do I go about figuring out how, and when, and through what? And how much longer till this (often painful) time of preparation subsides?

Starting in September, I will be taking classes through Vineyard Leadership Institute on the worship track and doing a pastoral internship with our worship pastor. I have been leading more and more which I find great joy and peace in. And quite honestly, it is something I thought I would never ever do. Maybe because it took me 4 years before I could even sing and play at the same time. I love youth kids and I love speaking, but music.... worship brings me LIFE. So, for the time being, that is what I am pursuing. I recognize I don't have the best guitar skills or the most polished voice. But man. My HEART.... it just desires to worship the Lord. Bottom line. That's all I want. And I trust that the Lord will use that to bring honor and glory to Him.

How's that for total disclosure on a midday lunch break?

Ready Or Not

2007-05-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

A camping I will go, a camping I will go, high-ho, the dairy-oh. A camping I will go.

I don't really know what that song means. Or really what the right words are. But I do know this. I am going CAMPING this weekend and I am SO excited!! Also, whenver I sing random songs via electronic communication, they always get stuck in Becky's head. Here's to hoping this gem gets stuck in her head. With the incorrect words. She will love me for this.

I've found one of my favorite things to say during an awkward part of a conversation is this: "Look, Geppetto. I'm a real live boy." And say it in a little boy voice. A real ice breaker, I tell ya.

Not really not much else to add today. Just felt like giving a little shout out. In the process, I will take a minute to brag about my friends. Near and far, I have the best friends in the whole world. New friends and old, God has blessed me with friends who love me, encourage me, and challenge me. And who are there for me. I don't think there are many people out there who are as blessed as I and for that, I am thankful. And with that said, here's another shout out. This time to my mom, whos voice I can hear in my head singing this song...

Make new friends,

But keep the old.

One is silver

And the other is gold.

Here's some latest pictures of my family. Gotta love 'em. :)

Mom and Grandma

My cutie nephew Miles...His sister Emory...Elijah, Paige, Emory and I swinging....

Levi, eating his first birthday cake...His big bro, Elijah...Dad and Paige... Last but not least, the beautiful Lauren....

Beautiful Thing

2007-05-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

It's official. I now own an electric guitar!!! This is no small feat as it has been several years in the making. However, fear and hesitation have always held me back as I simply don't have the skills necessary to be considered a "legit" player. However, I've decided that I no longer care. And I bought this puppy today.

It's a Fender Strat, pictured on the left. This is an actual picture of the guitar so I have the same blue color, which I think is quite nice. I am so excited I don't even know what to do with it. I've already started learning my current favorite song, "Good Love is On The Way". By the time I see Mayer in concert in June, I'll be able to jump up on stage and hold my own.

*sigh*

It is a good day in KC. A very good day.

Giddy up!

Dude, Looks Like a Lady

2007-05-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

I love being friends with graphic designers. Look at what happened when Becky thought it would be fun to see what my child would look like if Steven Tyler was the father. I think it was supposed to be a boy too.....

Beautiful.....

Better Man

2007-04-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Sitting here on this Thursday afternoon, I am compelled to point you toward the blog of my brother, Clif. I first met Clif probably as a freshman in High School and instantly liked him. I thought he was funny, nice, and he could hold his own with my family, which says something. For the first couple of years of our relationship, I did my best to get under his skin. I wanted him to be a part of our family, but I did what I did best and was a little pest. Fortunately, for all of us, he stuck around. And fortunately for all of us as well, I've matured since then. Believe it or not.

Through the years, he has been known to take me to dinner and a movie when my sister is out, call me at work just to let me know how great he thinks I am (while sneakily trying to set me up with an equally great co-worker of his), go out of his way to get me a flower on Valentine's Day, and make great efforts to not only support me in my endeavors, but also support the endeavors of those friends who are closest to me by treking to concerts or events he wouldn't otherwise go to. Just the other day, he listened patiently to me as I cried uncontrollably on the phone because our remaining two horses had just been given away. Talk about going above and beyond the call of duty!

Because of the ways he's reached out to include and love me, I have grown to know Clif on more and more on a friend level rather than a "he's married to my sister" level. I can say that about all of the men who married my sisters. That's why I simply call them brothers, without feeling the need to tag on the "in-law" suffix. They truly are brothers. Each of them has teased me like a brother, not shied away from wrestling with me like a brother, and I'm sure, although it's hard to imagine, has been annoyed with me like a brother. Most importantly, though, each has loved me and protected me like a brother. Being the youngest of four girls, brothers and sisters alike, they have taken the responsibility to protect me and guide me. Each one has heard me cry over broken dreams, broken hearts, and stupid mistakes. Each one has gone out of their way to give me an encouraging note, a phone call, or even flowers in time of need. They love me, they challenge me, they speak truth to me when I'm being foolish. I am so very thankful for my family in ways words can never even begin to express.

The point of this post is not simply to brag about my family, although I truly don't think I could have been more blessed. I simply want to brag on Clif. It is so very amazing and encouraging to see the work the Lord is doing in His heart and his life. The journey he is on, the lessons he is learning, and the heart he has for the Lord is all chronicled on his blog, http://bingoheaddad.blogspot.com/. It blesses me to hear his heart and his story. And nothing beats his profile picture! :)

There you have it. Thanks for letting me brag. Trust me. If you had the family I had, you'd be bragging too.

The Great Adventure

2007-04-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

A buddy of mine has done the dream-able and is currently traveling the globe. After years of planning and saving, he quit his job in January and has since been making his way through Central and South America, journeyed to Antarctica, and is currently on his way to South Africa. He is a fantastic writer who is chronicling his journey via the web and often times, I find myself transplanted to various beauties of the world through his gift of words. Suddenly, I am no longer sitting at my desk on the same floor, working for the same company for which he used to work, but I find myself plastered to the side of an airplane in a sudden perpendicular turn in attempts catch a glimpse of the Peruvian lines. Lately, I've even been amazed to come back to reality and not find myself waddling along side the natives of the artic shores. If I cannot live the dream, I will be satisfied living it vicariously through someone who has the means / courage to do so themselves. (And in the mean time, I get to sleep in my own comfy bed, avoiding the sketchy hostels, being mugged, or life-altering sea-sickness.)

If you have the time or desire, I strongly encourage you to give his site a visit. http://www.tallmatt.com/ His tales are entertaining and informative (I am learning a lot!) and his photography skills are displayed throughout, giving me glimpses of the world I will likely never see in person. That's my plug for the day.

I'm proud of you, Matt. Keep writing!

I'm Coming Home

2007-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

A little "feel good" clip to brighten your day. :)

Click here. After a short advertisement, the video will play automatically.

With a Little Help From My Friends

2007-03-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

I can't figure this confounded thing out.

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf (Click on the blue circle to play.)

Here are the rules....

Everyone must cross the river
Only 2 persons on the raft at a time
The father can not stay with any of the daughters, without their mother's presence
The mother can not stay with any of the sons, without their father's presence
The thief (striped shirt) can not stay with any family member,if the Policeman is not there
Only the Father, the Mother and the Policeman know how to operate the raft

Someone figure it out please? And tell me!!

You Are Lovely

2007-03-13T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today would have been Imogene's 85th birthday. This picture was taken of her in a chair she sat in only when her chair was taken by one of her grandkids. Which meant my dad had to find another chair. After so many years of visiting the same place, everyone kind of claims their favorite spot and gravitates towards it. Most often, you would find her sitting in her chair, telling stories, watching her great-grandkids, and nodding off every once in a while. (That is, when she wasn't busy in the kitchen doing something.) You can tell in this photo, she's wearing a housecoat. So very Imogene, though... to be wearing a housecoat and pearls. Also looks like she has a fresh application of Burt's Bees on. After leaving Jonesy after her funeral, Angie and I stopped in Hardy, a favorite destination on the trip to and from Grandma's. I think I walked away from Hardy with 4 or 5 new tubes of Burt's Bees. Simply because it made me think of her.

I used to think I talk too much. I used to think it was a bad thing. Hear me when I say I KNOW I talk too much. However, it's a small piece of my grandma that I carry with me every day. Now, whenever I notice my rambling nature, instead of becoming insecure and self-conscious, I smile and think of her and am grateful for the ways little pieces of her live on within me, within my sisters, within my dad. Even within my mom, who wasn't related by blood, but who will still put a rubber-band around a half eaten package of crackers to keep them from going stale. I'm still waiting for the day I find a Folgers can full of lard stashed in the back of the fridge.

Today, I am wearing some earrings my grandma made several years ago. I was with her when she made them. She actually made several sets of earrings / necklaces that summer, most of which she gave away. But this pair, she kept. I love it because I get so many compliments on these earrings. She certainly had great taste. With exception to those weird trinkets she kept in the lawyers bookshelves in the sitting room. And those angel nightgowns she used to buy us. And there was that really ugly cowboy statue thing she had. Ok. Maybe it was just the jewelry she had great taste in. Well, jewelry and people. No one knew quite how to love like Imogene.

For her 80th birthday, we had the Arkansas Smiths drive her to Branson where my family all met and surprised her with a weekend full of family, food, and even The Dixie Stampede. We were staying in a cabin / vacation home thing and we all hid when she came. She got settled into the living room and one by one, we all came to the door and knocked to be let in. Each time she saw someone new, she squealed with delight and clapped her hands. It was such a joy to bless her because she made sure you knew how much it meant to her. She never took a second of your time for granted. Even the phone calls would always end with, "Thank you so much for calling me, sweetie. It is so good to hear your voice. I love you so very much." Of course, you'd hear that 3 or 4 times before you got off the phone because she'd always remember a story she wanted to tell you between telling you that and actually saying goodbye.

She was quite the protector of us, always taking the side of the child who's feelings were hurt or the person who was getting made fun of. Even the night before she went into the hospital, my mom and I were with her and Casey and Dad had just gotten in town. She had me make them wait outside so she could be presentable when they walked in because she was so happy to see them, she just wanted to look her best for them. That night, I was making fun of Dad's feet for something or another. She popped me on the hand and said to me, "Now, you just leave him alone. He's a wonderful man and his feet don't bother me any. He can't help it if they smell."

mmmm. You make me smile, Grandma. I love you dearly and am so thankful for the memories. Even the one where we all got in trouble because we went to the park without telling you and you were worried. It brings me much joy to know your heart. I thank God He has brought you home. I'm sure He's created the perfect pink chair for you that sits directly across the room from Grandpa where you have your pear knife and your ice water right to your left, sitting on a folded paper towel. I'm sure He even remembered to put a straw in the water for you. Happy birthday, Grandma. You bless me.

Look Into My Eyes

2007-03-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

I once met a man from Egypt who had the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen. There's no real reason why I mention this other than the fact I just saw someone who reminded me of him. And I feel like my eyes have been opened lately. And I no longer want to be a rockstar, so it no longer makes sense to have that be the first post on my blog. Lots of "ands".

Speaking of conjunctions, apparently I should have never passed 4th grade. Last week on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, I completely got schooled. Who really knows what a pronoun is anyway??

Kyle is definitely my favorite. I love it when he gets nervous and giggly...

Rock Star

2007-03-02T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's OK. I'm on my lunch break.

Rock Star - Third Day

I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes
The drive and the determination
And The lucky breaks
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got the face
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes

Seeing my face up on the TV
Hearing my songs on the radio
People waiting all day inline to see me
Doing my pose for the Rolling Stone
Well, it's alright,
Yeah it'a alright

I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes
The drive and the determination
And The lucky breaks
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got the face
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes

Living lifestyles of the rich and famous
Turning all heads in the music scene
Flying in my own jet plane to Vegas
Riding in a big black limousine
Well, it's alright,
Yeah it'a alright

I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes
The drive and the determination
And The lucky breaks
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got the face
I wanna be a rock star
But, I ain't got what it takes

No, I ain't got nothing
But, to You I'm something
Something so much more

My Stupid Mouth

2007-03-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

For me, friends, the third time is always the charm. I will be walking along, ho hum through out my day, and God will bring a particular verse or passage or character to my attention. We'll call this a "Moment". It could be through conversations with friends, a verse in a sermon, or a line of a song. Something about whatever is said will jump out at me. I'll think, "Hm... that's interesting....", shrug my shoulders, and move on.

The second time the Moment hits me, it causes me a little more pause, a little more hesitation, but is typically followed with the same shrug and the same passivity.

The third time, however.... the third time is when I finally have the "Ah-HA Moment" and realize that God is trying to get me to actually pick up on what He's been calling to my attention. And then it makes sense to me all the "coincidences" of coming across the same topic or theme. Maybe one of these days, I'll learn to pay attention on the first round, or at least notice the pattern by the second round and not have to make it to the third.

Anyway, my Moment as of late has been on the things I let come out of my mouth and how it's a reflection of my heart. Typically this happens in the workplace where gossip and behind-the-back conversations are normal, if not expected. It's easy for me to spot when I am gossiping. Not always easy to stop, but at least easy to spot. Even when I do catch myself, though, even when I do actually hold my tongue.... I've been realizing lately that it doesn't even matter. That's not the point.

Do you ever …get a glimpse of your natural, completely unhindered reaction to people and get absolutely disgusted?

A few nights ago, I was in line behind an older man who couldn't decide what he needed and it was holding me up. I got very frustrated and started making disparaging comments about him in my head.

Disgusting.

I caught myself and immediately repented…. But then it left me wondering why my natural reaction to this man was one of hate? It certainly is not the way I was raised to respond to people, nor is it how I was created. After the Lord changed my heart and my attitude, I actually fell in LOVE with him… and just wanted to walk up to him and HUG him. And have him talk to me. And be able to look into his eyes and bring comfort to his heart. And I felt so very horrible about the ways I had wronged him that he wasn't even aware of. And I prayed for the Lord to bless his heart. How I long for that to be my natural reaction!!!

Twice since then that I am aware of, I found myself in a similar situation at work; getting frustrated with simply idiosyncratic traits of those I work with... placing myself on a pedestal by judging them internally. Really, it just is repulsive to me my natural reaction at times.

But as always, when God is trying to get a message across, He will point you to applicable scripture. I have my sights on reading the bible in a year and have been using this book... each day it has a section of the Old Testament, the New Testament, a Psalm and a Proverb. Each night, before I fall asleep, I read. These have been the verses from Proverbs chapter 10 this week...

17 He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
18 He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool.
19 When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
20 The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.

My prayer is to bring the Lord value. In my thoughts, in my actions, in my heart. I want to honor Him. It is always discouraging when you're brought face to face with the muck in your own heart. But I am so very thankful the Lord uses opportunities like this to discipline me, to train me, to LOVE me.

Oh, it is good to be a Child of God. It makes me Smile. :)

May the words of my heart and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, Oh Lord.

I Choose You

2007-02-26T09:10:00.000-08:00

Words from an email I just sent to a friend and felt like sharing here. It has nothing to do with anything going on with the friend, but just portrays a reflection of my heart and mind as I happened to be sending her an email. I hope you are encouraged in reading it as I was encouraged in the relevation God has brought to my heart....

I hope this fine Monday of student teaching goes well for you. This is a verse the Lord showed me yesterday that has given me great encouragement….

"The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. " Proverbs 4:18

If you think about it, it is so cool. You and I… we're children of the Most High God. We have been called righteous according to His purpose. Therefore, this verse directly applies to both of us. Our path of righteousness… it began when we accepted him into our lives as Lord and Savior.… as we began a walk. It was at that moment that our life was at the darkest point it would ever see. (Scientific fact that it is the darkest point of the night just before the dawn breaks…) from that moment, each step in my path, each day of my life has been walked with more and more light shed upon me from Our Lord. And it will continue to be that way until the return of our King. No matter what darkness may try to creep in at me, no matter what loops are thrown my way to deter me from the race set before me… Each day is promised to contain more light in it than the day before.

That may not mean that each day gets easier… or that each day gets better…. Sometimes the sun beats down with such intensity that it is hard to be outside. No one likes to sweat. Yet you cannot deny the beauty the sun - at the peak of the day - the benefit it brings to nourish the earth. It's also interesting that as the sun climbs higher into the sky, the shadows (the darkness) around you shrinks more and more until the full light of day (noon), there is no shadow. Each day in our walk of righteousness, the shadows become smaller and smaller, till one day, we will stand in the direct presence of the Son, in all His glory, with the promise of His Hope finally revealed in the paths our lives took; the way He made Himself known to us and through us through the course of our lives.

And with you and me, friend, the response will be…. "Well done, good and faithful servant. Come and share in my master's happiness." By the grace of God, that will be my greeting upon coming face to face with the Glory of God revealed. Because, my friend, we have been equipped with everything we need through Christ Jesus our Lord to continue in the fight for His Glory. And today, I will Choose Him. By the Grace of God, tomorrow, I will as well. Each day, my path shining brighter than the day before. Not because it gets easier, but because I gain more and more of a heavenly perspective than the day before. My eyes are set on the Throne. I pray that as I walk steadfastly forward, others around me will notice my gaze, follow it, and too be enchanted by the love of our Lord.

:) these words are more for me than for you. You just happened to be here when I thought through them….

Good Love Is On The Way

2007-02-19T07:27:00.000-08:00

Saw John Mayer in Omaha last night. I will say that I expected a good show. I was not in the least bit disappointed. He was fantastic. To me, a decent concert is one where the performer sounds at least as good as the CD. A good concert is one where you don't feel like the CD does the music justice. A phenominal concert is where I found myself last night. One where the songs are expanded, improvised, ad-libbed. Where the musicians gel together so well, each note is played in such a manner where you feel like you're invited to join the most intimate of friendships. Where it is about more than just playing "the hits".... where the listener is infected with the drive, the passion, the force behind the song. Where the artist continuously finds himself in "that place" and then invites the audience in to where he is for milk and cookies.

I'm sure that doesn't really make sense to anyone but me, but let it be said that the concert last night far exceeded any hopes or expectations that I had. I would go see him again in a heartbeat. For once, I think Rolling Stone has it right.

Crossroads

2007-02-15T12:01:00.001-08:00

This morning as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I pulled out a book that I apparently have begun to read in the past. I say apparently because there was a business card placed about 10-15 pages in that I had used as a bookmark. When this bookmark fell out, it gave me pause. More than that, really. Time stood frozen as I stared at a picture on my wall, memories swirling in my head and desires stirring in my heart.

The bookmark was a reminder for an appointment to take my grandma to the doctor on August 3, 2006. That appointment would lead to be one of the most frustrating / uncomfortable hours of my life. Immediately after returning home from the appointment, I went on about an hour walk and just cried the whole time, stopping only to pick up flowers for Grandma from Cookseys.

That day would be the last day my grandma would ever spend in her home. That night would be the last night I would ever tuck her into bed and hear her speak of how much she loved me and how blessed she was by my presence. The next day, I sat on the couch with uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. My grandma had gone into what we thought was diabetic shock but would later find out was really kidney failure. In the midst of the confusing phone calls, the attempts to get medicine in her, the shattering quiet in the house, I did all I knew. I got out my guitar and played. I wanted to sing, but I couldn't.

I sat there in that room, just me and her, and I played for her. As I played, I prayed. At one point, she came to and looked over at me and said, "Honey, are you playing me a song?" I nodded my head and she said, "It sure is pretty." Then she turned her head and faded back out. The last she would ever see of her earthly home was through the back door windows of an ambulance. I praise God she truly is at home now.

Ironically, the book the card fell out of is a book called Chasing Daylight. It's a book about seizing your divine moment; living out the dreams in your heart and making your life matter. Sometimes, I just simply cannot shake the feeling that I am meant for so much more. At the time the appointment reminder was written, I fully believed I would be living an indeterminable amount of time in Arkansas caring for and living with my grandma. My plans were changed. I praise the Lord that I was with her during the last week she would spend in her home.

Right now, I'm at a junction. I can either play it safe and live a comfortable, yet unfulfilling and unexciting life. Or I can take advantage of the place I am in life, throw caution to the wind, and go for my dreams. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure what that would entail. But I do know there is a stirring, a calling so deep in my soul that sitting at a computer all day simply does not answer. How do you decide between the thought that you're being foolish and the thought that you're taking a leap of faith? That you're daring to dream the possibilities God has for you and while leaving behind the known may not appear wise, it's truly a relinquishment of control and allowance of God to work in ways He couldn't if you only stood still.

Oh, I have no idea. Is it time for a dramatic change? Or do I simply need to be faithful with the things I have been given right now and wait for the right opportunity, where risk isn't so heavily involved? Why, when I think I finally have things figured out, do I always get thrown for a loop?

hmmm. Lots of thoughts going on inside this little head of mine. Unfortunately for my employer, very little of them are work related. Technically speaking.

Waiting on the World to Change

2007-02-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

It has been such an exciting day for me.

1) I talked 24 hour fitness into lowering my rate by $11 per month. I, very politely, told them I would drop my membership all together and go to Gold's Gym if they didn't.

2) I GOT TICKETS TO SEE JOHN MAYER ON SUNDAY!!!!!

3) number two pretty much takes the cake on anything else.

In the midst of the crazy life that I've been privy to lately, these small things were very much needed. Now, if I could only figure out what the next step in my life is, I would have it all!

Long Line of Leavers

2007-01-31T19:49:00.001-08:00

I have a habitual problem of looking back. When I leave for work in the morning, I double check the curling iron and the iron to make sure all is unplugged. When I get out of a car, I double check that I haven't left anything behind. When I leave my desk at work, I stand there and stare for a few minutes, making sure I haven't forgotten anything. When I'm done cooking, I push the "Off" button on the oven probably 3 or 4 times just to make sure it's really off. If I've used the stove, I will go back in to the kitchen several times just to make sure all the lines are pointing up and the "hot surface" light on the dashboard has turned off. When I go to bed at night, I check mentally every candle I let during the night and make sure each one fire has been suffocated. I'll even get up out of my cozy bed to make sure for the third time that all the doors / windows really are locked. This is a normal day for me. You get the picture.

Why do I always look back to make sure I haven't left anything behind or something undone? Is it because my mother always ingrained in me the phrase, "Double double, check check!" Or do I have my grandmother to thank who will still call me to make sure she remembered to tell me that the bread she baked for me needs to be kept refrigerated? I suspect there's a strong lineage of double checkers I can attribute my little quirk to. Many people to thank for this little idiosyncratic trait that drives my own self crazy.

Why do I mention this? I was reading the other night about Sodom and Gomorrah and God's destruction of the evil towns. How many times in my life have I been guilty of playing the part of Lot's wife? The one who looks back upon what God has asked me to leave behind. Was it wrong for her to look back on a town that was home to her? Was it wrong of her to wonder what was happening to your friends and neighbors? I don't think these things in and of themselves are wrong, however God had explicitly said, "Don't look back, don't stop anywhere...." My guess is that He knew it would cause her too much pain to look back at what was, to see her past destroyed, to see all of her eartlhly treasures burned. He wanted her focused on what lay ahead. The promise He had in store for her. The wealth of land and opportunity ahead that would promise to bless her and her family. Yet she still looked back.

Perhaps reminiscing.

Perhaps fearful.

Perhaps reluctant to leave.

Definitely disobedient.

Forever frozen in time as a reminder to all generations. Do not fear.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19.

As an aside, does anyone wonder why God is so quick to bless those who have a blatant disregard for His law in the Old Testament? Abraham didn't trust God's timing so stepped outside the boundaries of wedlock to continue his family line. He lived a very blessed life. Lot tried to sell his daughters to protect himself from the Lord's wrath. God redeemed him from corruption and greed to a life of freedom in abundant land. David impregnated a married woman, then had her husband murdered, and is still called a Man after God's Own Heart. Moses killed a man, but then became God's chosen leader for the redemption of His people. There are so many more examples, but those are the ones on the top of my head.

How much more blessed are we that we live on the other side of Grace. A lot of thoughts going on inside my head right now concerning this topic that I'm having trouble putting words to. But thank you, Lord, for grace. And for the knowledge that no matter what stupid decision I make, no matter how blatant my disregard for your law is, your love for me is unending and your compassion never fails. It's a little much for me to wrap my mind around. Thank you for that.

This is Our God

2007-01-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

In honor of my Lovely Grandmother who, even as she lay there in "undescribable" pain, both physical and emotional, exemplified such a beautiful and enchanting heart that simply desired to bring Praises to Our Lord. A reminder of her spirit:

July 31, 2006

Tonight, I was just chatting with Grandma about the recent events. You need to know that her short-term memory is fading fast; she introduced me to the same nurse at the hospital about 10-15 times this morning. I can't even begin to tell you how many times she's gotten choked up over how blessed and loved she feels and how greatful she is for her family. Tonight, when talking with her, she said, "You know, BJ, for years I've been praying for the Good Lord to give me an opportunity to bring His name into my daily conversation with people in a manner which won't make me sound preachy or turn people off. I just want to spread His love. This time I've had in the hospital has given me the opportunity to do so. I am so very thankful."

We sang this song at church last night. During my last week with her in her home, I played this song on the guitar a lot. For one, I had just learned it. Secondly, I thought it was such a lovely representation of her heart. I praise God for the way He used her to remind me of the truths of this song. How in the last months of her life, He moved heaven and earth to make her feel loved and cared for. How she died knowing without a shadow of a doubt that she was so cherished and loved by her family and the impact she had made in us and through us. Her thoughts from July 30, 2006.... "The Good Lord has brought this all together so perfectly. He's painted a picture so perfect - more beautiful than any other picture ever before!"

Yes, my friends. This IS our God. This is MY God. Because His love is better than life, my lips will glorify Him. (Psalm 63)

The refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm

This is our God

He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years

This is our God

So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save

This is our God

A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken

This is our God

And he brings peace to our madness and comfort in our sadness

This is our God

So call upon his name, He is mighty to save

This Is Our God

This is the one we have waited for

Jesus, Lord and Savior

This is our God

A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely

This is our God

He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful

This is our God

So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save

This is our God

So call upon his name, He is mighty to save

This Is Our God

You are the one we have waited for

Jesus, Lord and Savior

This is our God

Lovely Day

2007-01-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

So, it's cold and snowy and icy here. I thought I'd warm my heart by revisiting the quote list of 2002-2003. Here are some more fun ones to share...

“God was really creative when he created you, Alan.” Laura, barely able to complete her sentence because she was laughing so hard.

“I’m sorry if I’m snotty around you sometimes.” Alan to Ali
“Uh…. (nervous laughter) Ok…?” Ali, thinking he had said, “I’m sorry if I’m naughty around you sometimes…."

“I like to stew in my own juices,” Alan on the benefits of not showering.

“Anus freakin’ mama, hee mahama!!” Bercos expressing pain over ripped leg flesh.

“Ali, what was his big surprise?” – Laura asking about Jim
“He found a church down there that he really likes.” - Ali about Jim
“He bought you a shirt down there?” – Laura
“Yeah....” – Ali
“Awwwww!” Laura

“I’m going to cut my hair into a mullet.” – Bercos
“Bercos, you would look so gay.” – Anonymous
“Bercos, you would look so much hotter than you do!” – Steve
“Yeah, Bercos. You’ve just got a mullet head.” – Dom
“Chicks with mullets are hot. They look like female lions.” Steve

“See it doesn’t sound as bad as when you say it.” Laura referring to the unmentionable anatomical region.
“That’s because it doesn’t make me feel all giggly inside!” Ali

“…..Boob.” Jason Daum
“Did he just say boob?!?” Kelly
“Yes!” Bercos
“Yeah, Jason! Let’s talk more about boobs!!” Jeff

“Do you have a stinker in your pants? Cause you’re being a big stinker!” Ali to Alan.

“what does that say? ‘Do you have a sticker in your pants? Because you’re being a stalker?’” – Dom, trying to read an above quote.

“I could piss 3 buckets! I could eat 3 apes!!” Bercos finding out about Kevin’s plans to propose to Lauren.

“You said I look like a LION!!” Ali explaining to Steve why she was upset
“That’s a compliment! Female lions are HOT!” Steve (who obviously has a thing for lions....)

“I’m urinating on my urinater…. What does that even mean?” – Bercos

“ANUS LIPS!!!” Bercos as she falls off the mountain

“Oh, you wanna know how I enjoy it? One by one, I pull my arms out of my leg.” BJ referring to how she’d rather mutilate herself than do business homework.

“Bloody fools of the North!” Kristi, in response to being impaled in the flesh by a tent peg.

Steve to Kristi, Ali, Lauren, & BJ sleeping out in the front yard: “Remember… just grab, twist, and pull.” (complete with hand motions)

Standing on the Promises

2007-01-03T12:03:00.000-08:00

How 'bout a throwback to my favorite Hymn as a child. Its words speak truth I hope and pray my life reflects.

Standing on the promises of Christ my King,

Through eternal ages let his praises ring;

Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, standing,

Standing on the promises of Christ my Savior;

Standing, standing,

I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises that cannot fail,

When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,

By the living Word of God I shall prevail,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, standing,

Standing on the promises of Christ my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises of Christ the Lord,

Bound to him eternally by love's strong cord,

Overcoming daily with the Spirit's sword,

Standing on the promises of God.

Standing, standing,

Standing on the promises of Christ my Savior;
Standing, standing,
I'm standing on the promises of God.

Standing on the promises I cannot fall,

Listening every moment to the Spirit's call,

Resting in my Savior as my all in all,

Standing on the promises of God!

ABC - Da Remix!

2006-12-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

Of the many great memories I have from college, some of the most hilarious of them all were had while living at 805 S. Fifth Street. With five girls living on the ground floor with three boys upstairs, there was rarely a dull moment. Much of what we did was recorded by photo and much of what we said was recorded by a quote list we kept on the fridge. Last night, while going through some stuff at my house, I found our long lost quote list from that year. I think I took it with intention of typing it out for everyone but I eventually misplaced it and forgot about it. The list, however, has been providing me with much humor throughout my day. Perhaps you had to be there, or perhaps you need to know the people involved. Regardless, I have been sitting here snickering at my desk and want to share the joy. Here are a few of the greatest gems..... (The linked photos are newer than when we lived together, which is a shame because there are many quality photos from the year as well, just none of them digital.)

"'Pull back my neck skin.' Can you put that on the quote list, please?" Dom repeating Bercos' odd statement.

"I want to meet that person! I want to meet the first guy who said, 'Look at those dangly things! Let's squeeze them and drink whatever comes out!'" Beckner on the discovery of cow's milk.

"Ali, you look like a lion right now" - Steve
"I think she was offended" - Frick on why Ali stormed off
"OK, a Lioness!!" - Steve yelling to Ali
"There's no such thing as a female lion!!" - Ali yelling from the other room
"How do lions make more lions then?" - Bercos
"You know, there really ARE female lions." - Steve
"Yeah... they're called TIGERS!!" - Ali

"I just know you wouldn't like it... I mean, there's rules. Like... you can't be naked with anyone...." Dom on why Bercos wouldn't like working at Kanakuk.

"Whenever my mom went to get an ultrasound with my brother, I wanted to be her. I wanted that jelly all over me... It was just so blue... and slippery.... and that sound it made... so cool..." Laura

"Ooh... trippy. I may just need to smoke a joint to process all this. You know. Settle myself down. It's too much to handle." - Frick after a cool story from BJ. (neither of whom have ever actually touched the stuff by the way...)

"Why can't we all just get along?" - Jeff
"Because we're not black..." Alan

"OK, Joe. Try to imagine 14 Jr. High School girls around you now..." - Bercos referring to the description of 'Light as a feather, stiff as a board'

"um... I'm actually giong to try NOT to imagine that..." -Joe Hanline

"Do we have any Febreeze?" - Kelly
"I have an anal sphincter." - Bercos
"I have sebum." - Laura

"I don't know what sebum means and I feel uncomfortable when you use that word." - Jeff

"Now that we're all here, does anyone have Wang?" - BJ referring to the professor
"Could you please be more specific?" - Mike

Now... if only we could find the video from the CCF Coffeehouse where we were the cast from Waiting for Guffman....

My Heart, Your Home

2006-12-21T06:49:00.000-08:00

There is something about the blogging world that has brought me such joy today. I can't really put my finger on what specifically about these blogs has made my heart feel more at peace, but they have. Maybe it's in knowing the hearts behind the blogs and being so blessed to have such lovely people in my life. I'm not sure. But this morning, my heart has been blessed. Thanks, Cameron, for reminding me it's OK to be uncomfortable. Thanks, Cara, for sharing your lovely Christmas spirit with me. Thanks, Sharla, for your heart.... your amazing, sweet, and enchanting heart. Thanks, Nahum, for your friendship and for your honesty. You all bless me.

I have been having a hard time focusing on the Joy behind Christmas. (The picture above, by the way, was stole from Cara's site. They are her handmade Christmas cards!) I have been fighting a war within my heart to Focus on God, on the Love that He lavishes upon me, on the Faithfulness He has shown me, on the Compassion He blankets me with. I have been fighting to remember His goodness. And then I remember the story of my sweet nephew Elijah, who brings me such joy. SO much joy. And remembering God's faithfulness in delivering a healthy and happy baby boy when the doctors didn't think he even had a chance to make it past the fifth month of pregnancy.

Yes, my friends. The Lord is faithful.

Thousands of years of prayers of anticipation answered with a simple statement.

"You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus."

Jesus.

The first time the name of the awaited Messiah had been revealed. Whispered to a young girl with whom God found great favor.

When I was young and I heard Jesus was coming back, I thought that meant that he would be born again to another virgin. I would pray and pray and pray that I would be that chosen girl; that I would bear Christ for the world to see. What an HONOR to be the mother of the Living God.

It hit me the other day while listening to my favorite Christmas song, "Breath of Heaven". I AM just like Mary. God has chosen me; he has looked upon me with favor. I have been asked to carry His son. Carry him in my heart; reflect him in my smile; honor him in my love.

I pray with this knowledge that in every aspect of my life, in every task the Lord asks of me, in every unknown challenge that lay ahead, my response is as simple and as pure as hers.

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through
'till my heart becomes a home for You.

A home for You, Lord.
A home for You, Lord.
Let everything I do open up,
A door for You to come through,
And that my heart would be
A place where You want to be.

Come and make my heart Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through
'till my heart becomes a home for You.

You are my portion, filling up everything.
You are the fortune that's causing my heart to sing.
That it's amazing,
That You could make Yourself at home with me.
With me, Lord.

Come and make my heart,
Come and make it Your home.
Come and be everything I am and all I know.
Search me through and through
'till my heart becomes a home for You.

~Watermark

But For the Grace of God

2006-12-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who is so clueless as to what's going on around me at times that it's a wonder I remembered how to breathe when I woke up this morning?

Seriously.

Sometimes, I look at the things that surround me on my desk and I realize that I haven't a clue what I'm doing, nor have I every really had a clue. I've just been good at faking it all along.

Same goes for friendships. I really am clueless.

I guess you could say the same for my life in general. I really have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I mean, I think I know what I want to do, but am I daily making steps to achieve that? My mom always said growing up, "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." She is so very wise; why do I never take her advice?

When will I ever stop "waiting for the right time" and just cowboy up to what's on my plate right in front of me at this given moment?

Dan thinks there's something wrong with me today. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just thinking a lot. About the pile of work in front of me and how I'm not sure what to do next because really, I have no idea how to do any of it. I'm thinking about my weekend plans, what I want and what I don't want to do. I'm thinking about bible study tonight what we're going to talk about (we're going through The Celebration of Discipline - quality read but another post for another time). I'm thinking about how I ate way too much food at lunch. And how I'll probably do the same at dinner.

Basically, I feel like I'm standing in front of this sign right now.

And this is my expression.

When all I really need to be doing is this.

That is: work. Without the sassy attitude.

Alrighty then. Problem solved. I'm out.

Friends

2006-10-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was blessed. I was sitting next to a friend of mine who I have deep respect and love for. The type of friend who simply makes my heart smile. So encouraging and kind and always so fun to be around. And last night, out of the blue, this friend turned to me and said, "You know, Beej, I would venture to say that you are one of my most favorite people."

I can't tell you how much that meant to me or how big it made me smile. Such a simple statement, yet so encouraging. So, thank you friend. You made my night. Thanks for knowing who I am and what I deserve. And thanks for not letting me be complacent. Your lifestyle and your passion challenges me. Truly, you are one of my favorites as well. :)

And since we're talking about Favorites, Ali is apparently upset that I haven't dedicated a whole blog entry to her. So... Here you go, Al. A haiku just for you. And some photos. Just to show everyone how beautiful you are. :)

My Little Rae - A Haiku

Stealing hearts with smiles,
She laughs twice at funny things.
Simply, beautiful.

Africa

2006-09-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hey Friends. Thanks so much for your GREAT advice. I really appreciate the thought that went into your comments. As a quick note, I have decided not to go to Africa this winter for several reasons. The biggest being that I just don't think it would be a wise move on my part. There is something to be said for living in the moment and siezing opportunities, however I have been desiring wisdom lately and this seems like a good time to exercise it.

I'll probably write more later, but in the mean time, I wanted to plug this book. Amazing photos. Great heart behind the message. Informative in ways that compell you to action, not guilt you into it. Enjoy.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2006-09-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

Friends, the opportunity of a lifetime is upon me. A dear friend of mine has been doing missionary work in Africa for the last year and a half and will continue to be there for at least that much longer. Over the winter months, her father has decided to go visit her and has invited me to come with him. The purpose of the trip, however? Hike Mount Kilimanjaro and raft the Nile River.

What???

I seriously have the opportunity to HIKE Mount Kilimanjaro. In high school, every year, they had you fill out "information sheets" should you be selected Student of the Day (which I was, all three years, baby!). On this sheet, you had to list three of your life goals. Mine were:

1) Go to KU (which I didn't do because I decided I wanted to be a NAME, not a number)

2) Become a lawyer (no longer a desire. Wahoo for work experience saving me THOUSANDS of dollars on law school)

3) See an African sunset before I die.

I kid you not. Africa is not exactly a tangible thing for me. It has always been this unattainable goal, short of going over to work in missions, which I do not feel called to do at this point in my life. I would be CRAZY not to take this opportunity when I would be going with someone I trust to take care of both me AND all the arrangements.

But, yes. There is a catch. There are a few catches.

1) I would have to quit my job. I don't have that much vacation time stored up nor am I given that much vacation time a year. I have been thinking about moving on for a while now anyway and was actually prepared to do so when things with my Grandma looked like I might be needed with her. And things at work lately have been somewhat encouraging me to want to look elsewhere. So this may not be a bad thing, per se.

2) It would take essentially all of my savings. And maybe then some. AND, the job I would resume when returning would no doubt pay less than the one I have now. I want this to be a wise decision.

3) I would be making a major climb, fulfilling a dream... without my dad. I have never hiked worthwhile mountains without him. All of the mountains in the background of that picture, I have stood on top of... with him. Some of my favorite memories are of him pushing me past my internal boundaries to fight for the summit, then sitting on top of the conquered mountain saying to us, "Girls, a man who doesn't love this life is crazy." It would feel wrong to do it without him. But at this point in his life, he thinks I'm crazy for even wanting to do it to begin with.

So, there you go. Am I crazy for even giving it a second thought? I do not want to be irresponsible with my money or my career. However, I also want to LIVE. I want to see an African sunset before I die. I want to spend the night under a blanket of stars, miles above the ocean. I want to do what I can when I can. And right now seems like the perfect opportunity, sans the aforementioned "catches".

Thoughts? ... Advice? ... Wisdom? ... Anyone???

Kristina

2006-09-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

I received a verbal lashing yesterday. Apparently, feelings get hurt when links are deleted from my list of favorites. Apparently, the importance does not lay with whether or not the deleted link has been updated (which it hasn't for almost SIX months now). Apparently, my love is completely conditional, dependent upon whether or not you update your blog. Let this be a lesson to you all. If you want me to love you, you will update.

Cos, I've re-added you. But on a probationary basis. It is for the good of the masses that I demand you update. A life with insight as good as yours deserves to be told. In the mean time, please accept this hasty limerick as a heartfelt apology.

There once was a girl named Kristi
Who could be at times quite risky
I broke her heart
With an inadvertent dart.
My dear, would you please forgive me?

Something to Talk About

2006-09-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

This is a quote I just overheard in my office.

"You can marry more in a day than you can make in a lifetime."

I like the way this man thinks.

Hobo's Meditation

2006-09-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be great to be a hobo? Where you live your life in towns along the railroad? Where new friends are always just a stop away? I wouldn't ever do it alone, of course. I would want a friend with me, to share the journey. To know me. But I really do think I would love to be a hobo.

I start to get restless every now and again. I've been here for two years and am trying to figure out what the next step is. I thought I knew, but things didn't quite work out as planned. So, it's back to the drawing board.

Hobo's don't have to worry about making money or being successful, as the world views it. Hobo's aren't preoccupied with material objects. Hobo's aren't always running off the the next meeting or event; they simply enjoy where they are. Once they no longer enjoy their surroundings, they move on. Sure, they smell from time to time. But being dirty and smelly is a small price to pay for a life full of new things and adventures. People do judge hobos, but it's the type of judging that allows them to feel better about themselves. I don't mind making people feel good about themselves.

I think it would be good if I were a hobo. I could go from town to town, be the cool new girl (once I get showered and clean), work odd jobs to survive, and stay as long as my welcome isn't worn. People get annoyed with me after a small amount of time anyway so once I see my "newness" has worn off, I'll move on to make new friends.

I really don't think this plan sounds too bad.

Untitled Hymn

2006-08-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

Mabel Imogene Smith

March 13, 1922 - August 30, 2006

....When the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live.

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live.

We love you, Grandma. I know you'll be waiting for us in Heaven. For now, go in peace. Find your groom. Dance. Laugh. Worship. It truly is what you were meant to do.

The Good Kind

2006-08-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

My boss is absolutely amazing. Just when I thought I was going to have to miss the event that I've been looking forward to for WEEKS because no one could go with me, he pulled through.

The Wreckers were in concert last night in KC. Many friends had talked about going with me but for one reason or another all couldn't. I went home from work last night and mowed my grass, listening to them on my iPod the whole time, pretending it was live. I came in and showered and resigned myself to watch a Grey's Anatomy rerun while I waited for Amanda to come over.

At 8:10, Dan, who was out to dinner with some people, called to see if I had made it to the concert. When I said no, he asked if I still wanted to go. Um..... YES!!! So we both scrambled to get to Harrah's, making it there just in time to see the opening act walk off stage, which in my mind is perfect timing! Not only did Dan cut his evening short to make mine better, he also PAID for both my ticket AND my drinks.

He tried to blow off his chivalry of the evening by saying that it was simply on his way to Diamond Joes where they have a TBone special on Thursdays. I know the truth, my friends, and the secret is out. Dan really is a nice guy. :)

How Great Thou Art

2006-08-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in the hospital at the bedside of my grandma. We were talking about how many people were praying for her. She teared up and just kept saying, "Amazing. How Great is Our God."

So I sang "How Great Thou Art" for her. As soon as I sang "Oh, Lord my God. When I in awesome Wonder...." she began to cry and repeat the word "Hallelujah!" in the sweetest, yet strongest voice she could muster.

So I kept singing.

And I was blessed.

Blessed Be Your Name

2006-07-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

Sitting here in Jonesy while Imogene naps, I thought I would share with you a glimpse into the heart of this dear woman. This is what she said to us with tears in her eyes last night, after my mom and I arrived and as Drew was taking a break from moving in the house next door.....

"The Good Lord has brought this all together so perfectly. He's painted a picture so perfect - more beautiful than any other picture ever before!"

She was released from the hospital today so we are back at home trying to get her back into her routine. She is absolutely lovely. And it is good to be here.

****LATER****

I thought I would share with you a reason exactly why Imogene is so lovely. Tonight, I was just chatting with her about the recent events. You need to know that her short-term memory is fading fast; she introduced me to the same nurse at the hospital about 10-15 times this morning. I can't even begin to tell you how many times she's gotten choked up over how blessed and loved she feels and how greatful she is for her family. Tonight, when talking with her, she said, "You know, BJ, for years I've been praying for the Good Lord to give me an opportunity to bring His name into my daily conversation with people in a manner which won't make me sound preachy or turn people off. I just want to spread His love. This time I've had in the hospital has given me the opportunity to do so. I am so very thankful."

She's 84. She's a fighter. She's losing memory and body. Yet her spirit is strong. Her faith is even stronger. She has been talking about the Bible and God non stop. (Funny quote from today when talking about a family friend: "Well, he was kind of like Job in the sense that he told Satan to get thee behind him. Well, I don't think Job said that, but someone did at some point....")

Friends, please pray for my grandma. She is in pain. She is overjoyed at the thought of meeting Jesus and Grandpa Max at the gates of heaven, but she is saddened at the thought of leaving her loved ones behind. Her main concern in this time is that she not become spoiled or selfish and that she would never take anyone or anything for granted. She breathes love for her Maker. She cries tears of thankfulness and joy. And she is an absolute joy to serve. I don't know how long she has left; whether it be months or years. I do know that right now, today....here with her is exactly where I need to be.

Amazing Love

2006-07-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

My friends, I have been refreshed! I want to tell you why I love my God. Simply, it is because He has first loved me. Allow me to expand.

Last week was a difficult week for me for many reasons. Ranging from relational difficulties with those around me to questioning future plans and current decisions, many things were keeping me from wearing a smiling. The weekend, however, was so very fun. I got to celebrate with a dear friend for her upcoming wedding, had a great time hanging out with the girls, visited my home town, and had WORLDS of fun with quality peeps... doesn't get much better.

Tonight however, for many of the same reasons as last week, I was discouraged again. I thought of several self-fix-it remedies I could do to cheer myself up, but all involved either calling someone or crashing in on someone's house. And honestly, I just didn't want to burden anyone with my issues tonight. So, I just headed off to Barnes and Noble with my bible and journal to spend some much needed time with God. Here's the kicker, though. I really didn't want to journal. And I really didn't know where to look in the bible. I knew all I really needed and wanted was the blessed love of a friend, yet I was too prideful in wanting to burden anyone.

Walking into the bookstore, I thought of my friend Sharla. She is always such a blessing to see. Earlier today, while sitting at my computer at work, I was blessed by her heart. Even though I haven't seen her for probably two weeks, just thinking of her heart today lightened my load. Walking into B&N, I thought, "God, I just really want to see Sharla tonight. I just need to be encouraged by her. That's really all I want." But again prideful, I didn't want to call her. And I never see her there (I'm there quite frequently), so I knew I was out of luck.

I walked in and headed to the Christian book section to check out Erwin McManus, an author who has come highly recommended by her and her husband, Cameron. I didn't even have time to find the M's on the bookshelf before Cameron comes walking up to me to say hey. I asked him what he was doing and he said that him and Sharla were out without the kids on a date and decided to swing by the bookstore to hang out. He pointed me over to Sharla and already, my heart was lighter. Sharla and I started chatting while Cameron was looking at books and then we all chatted together for a while. Can I just tell you how encouraged I was? It was such a HUGE blessing to me. If all that happened was that I ran into them and got to say hey, I would have felt 100% better. But they invited me to sit with them and we talked for probably an hour and a half or so. It was so very refreshing. SUCH a blessing.

I tell you this not to tell you how great Sharla and Cameron are. (But they truly are wonderful!) I tell you this because in a most amazing way, tonight I felt the most gentle finger tip of God reach down and wipe a tear from my cheek and replace it with a smile. Guys, seriously, I am blown away. I am so grateful that the Lord showed me exactly what I needed, exactly what I wanted. Had I not had that thought of wanting to see Sharla upon walking into B&N, it would have just been a surprising blessing to run into them. A great surprise, a surprise I would have been very thankful for, but that's probably all I would have thought of it.

Instead, God showed me my needs. He showed me my desires. He knew that in my weakness, simply journaling empty words and wondering aimlessly through the Bible would not be enough for me tonight. He knew exactly who I needed. He let me know who I needed. And in His amazing provision, through the most random of ways, He fulfilled even the simplest of desires.

I wish I could accurately vocalize how loved I feel right now. How in the midst of all my worrying, all my self doubt, all my fears over the future, all my frustrations, God goes out of His way to remind me that He loves me. That He cares deeply for me, even for my most simple and basic needs. And that I am His child whom He delights in. And that I deserve nothing less than the best the world has to offer. We all do. And tonight, I am blessed to simply be HIS.

Wholly His.

Unabashedly His.

Desperately, HIS.

It is because of His great love for me that I cannot help but gush of my love for Him. And my amazement over the ways He loves me. How great is the love He has lavished upon me; I am so very HONORED to be His child.

The refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return yourwasted years
This is our God
So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

Oops... I did it again

2006-07-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

Seriously, guys. This is getting just a tad bit ridiculous. It's not even 9 am yet....

Here's a shout out to all my Girls. I can't WAIT to see you guys tonight and spend the entire weekend with you! Super, super, super, super, super, super.... super!!!

Also, here's a HUGE congrats to Miss Callison Phelps who is officially engaged!!! Blessed is she who waits on the Lord! :)

Better Man

2006-07-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

I am a dork. Should go without being said. I just picked up a fairly full topless cup of soda, only to basically throw it back at my desk. I'm not sure really what happened. I was getting ready to take a drink and decided mid-air to readjust my grip on the cup. Somehow, that equated to my cup flying across my desk, dousing everything in sight with coke. I'm surprised my laptop is still working.

Not to be outdone by myself in an awe-inspiring display of coordination and talent, while I was mopping up the sticky mess, I inadvertently knocked over another cup I had sitting on my desk, this time containing water.

The conclusion, my friends, is two fold. One: I have too many partially full cups of liquid on my desk. Two: If this is how much damage I can cause in 30 seconds with two cups of liquid due to my utter lack of dexterity, I should not be allowed to drive. Or ride a bike for that matter.

In the mean time, I've rediscovered how much I like Better Man by Pearl Jam.

I've also decided to learn how to play drums. So far, it's going good enough much thanks to Dave "Don't Call Me Davie" Royer. Maybe that will help my dexterity.

(0ne More) Song For You

2006-07-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

*Your Life: The Soundtrack*
Opening credits:	Meant To Live - Switchfoot
Waking up:	Beautiful Day - U2
Average day:	Here With Me - Plumb
First date:	The Way I Feel - Matt Wertz
Falling in love:	Accidentially in Love - Counting Crows
Love:	Love of My Life - Santana
Fight scene:	Headstrong - Trapt
Breaking up:	Through With You - Maroon 5
Getting back together:	Crazy Love - Ray Charles
Secret love:	Don't Cha - Pussycat Dolls
Life's okay:	Can't Run But - Paul Simon
Mental breakdown:	Narcolepsy - Third Eye Blind
Driving:	Tripping Billies - Dave Matthews
Learning a lesson:	Bad Day - Daniel Powter
Deep thought:	For Me, It's You - Train
Flashback:	Carried Me - Jeremy Camp
Partying:	Hey Ya! - Outkast
Happy dance:	God is a DJ - Pink
Regreting:	Cold - Crossfade
Long night alone:	Lonely Tonight - Matt Wertz
Death scene:	Poems, Prayers, & Promises - John Denver
Closing credits:	Stars - David Crowder Band
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Ain't No Mountain High

2006-06-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

I was in a most beautiful wedding this weekend. Gotta be honest. LOVE being the bridesmaid. It is so much fun to see God's faithfulness, from start to "finish", even though technically, the journey of Emily and Andy has only just begun.

Lately, it has been really blowing my mind the lengths God will go to in order to prove His Love. As if it's even necessary.

A month ago, my 84 year old grandma was living alone, fairly ill, and avoiding assisted living facilities at all costs. Within the last two weeks, a nurse has been hired to stay with her 12 hours a day. Apparently, she has been cooking for my grandma, keeping things tidy, and taking care of both her physical being and emotional wellness by keeping her company. My grandma also went to the doctor last week and got some news / medication that has "given her hope for the first time in 6 months" that she can begin to feel better. In two weeks, my cousin and his wife will move into the house next door to my grandma (which conveniently enough just happened to open up at this time of her great need) to be near her and care for her. I will be making a trip down within the next month to see if there is a need for me to live with her and help her and keep her company.

God LOVES my grandma. He wants her to be HAPPY. He wants her to be CARED FOR. He wants her to feel LOVE. He has opened doors for the house next door to her to be available so her FAVORITE grandchild can move in. (That would be my cousin, Drew. And God bless him, he LOVES that woman.) He has changed my heart and put within me such a desire to care for her and love her. He is working it out to where it looks like she won't have to leave her home, a move that we all think would essentially kill her. He LOVES her.

And I am blessed to be a witness to it.

So, with all that said and done, the weekend was a blessing to see God's faithfulness carry through to fruition the promises He has made to Emily. It was amazing to see such a faithful and honest heart be rewarded with a man who will live his life to bring her Honor. It has been wonderful to have a front row seat at watching God work out the details for my grandma. It is so very fun to live the life that I do.

I am one blessed girl.

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

2006-06-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

Primates.

Not meant for captivity.

Simon says sign it.

All the cool peole are.

For proof, check out number 0248.

Now, you won't have to ask me questions when you see me wearing this.

Walk With Me

2006-06-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

When enjoying the beauty of life, looking forward with intent to change gets difficult. There is so much in the unknown that terrifies me. Never once has the unknown let me down. But you gotta figure the streak is going to end at some point.

The picture above is peaceful. I could sit by this stream forever, drinking from the life it offers, enjoying the surroundings and letting the world pass me by. This valley and I just fit. I see the mountain and I recognize its purpose, its majesty. I think about climbing it; I may even venture to do so, following in the footsteps of hikers past. But upon reaching the top, would I ever venture down the other side? The side considered "back country hiking" with no visible trail, meant only for the experienced, trained and passionate? A few friends tried that 3 summers ago when hiking CC and Y. 36 hours after leaving the trail head and 2 helicopter searches later, they were found 6 hours away by car. I myself almost walked right off a cliff once trying to do much of the same.

All this to say, I'm sure the other side of the mountain has a lovely valley as well. I'm sure it has a peaceful stream for me to sit beside and watch the world pass. I'm sure the hike will be well worth the view at the top.

The question is this: is this mountain mine for the conquering?

And if it is, will I be trusting enough to tempt the fate of the unknown yet again?

Leave the Pieces

2006-06-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

This is my new favorite song. Chances are if you've hung out with me at all in the past month or so, you've probably heard it too. I have great visions of Katie and me learning to play the song together.... For no other reason than I think it would be great. This morning, it was actually on the radio when my alarm was going off and in my delusional stage of half asleep / half awake, I passionately belted it out with them, until I actually realized I was singing along and decided to stop so as to not wake my roommate. Anyway, it's by The Wreckers, which is Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp (KC represent!). If you haven't heard the song, visit their website. It starts playing when the page loads. Anyway, here's the lyrics. This goes out to ETrain, the little engine that HAS.

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair
You know you just keep me hanging 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't wanna see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just, take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with and just let me move on
Don't concern yourself with this mess you left for me
I can clean it up you see
Just as long as you're gone

And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just, take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You're not making up your mind
It's killin' me
You're wasting time
I need so much more than that

And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just, take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Leave the pieces when you go
Leave the pieces when you go

Other Side

2006-06-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my sister's old college roomie, Cara. Even though she is more my sister's friend than mine, she has always brought me much laughter and joy. She recently tied the knot with her knight in shining armor and has been chronicling the events of their first year of marriage online through her blog. Mostly hilarious and always insightful, hers is quite possibly the blog I frequent most often. (Sorry, Ty.) With her permission, it is her thoughts I post below. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Thanks, Cara. It is a blessing to hear your heart.

"The other day, I was in the play room at the hospital when a Speech Therapist came in and asked if I could go spend some time with one of her patients. As far as I can tell, this little one was recently paralyzed from the neck down and has yet to regain his ability (or perhaps willingness) to speak. His grandmother had to leave him and he was having a hard time. I sat down and began to read him The Little Engine That Could. It seemed like the right story for a child with such a long road ahead of him.

Do you remember The Little Engine That Could? I thought I did too. But it is worth picking up every once and a while to refresh. There is a cargo truck whose engine broke down. And the deal is that she was filled with wonderful things to share with the children on the other side of the hill but didn't have all that it took to get where she needed to be. She had wonderful things to share, but just needed some help to be able to do so.

Sounds like every woman I know.

And so she did what only a woman would . . . she began to ask for help. For a partner. Someone to do their part so she could do hers.

Here come the men . . .

They all had the strength that she needed. But some did not like the looks of her. She wasn't fancy enough. Some were too self-focused to even look at her and they just assumed she was not good enough to give their strength to. Others had the strength but had lost hope and did not believe they could help. So they went back to the engine house to be alone.

And finally, here came a little blue engine. Not the biggest or the most experienced, but capable and willing. It was not an easy task for the little engine. I mean, that cargo car had A LOT of baggage to carry over the hill. But he was committed to making it work. He believed that the gifts the car had to share with the children were worth getting over the hill. He believed that he could do it. And really, that was all it took to help the cargo train filled with amazing gifts to get to the other side of the mountain."

All I wanna do...

2006-05-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

...is have some fun. I got a feeling, I'm not the only one...

saturday. smithville. la fiesta del verano.

God has been faithful.

People, on the other hand, throw me off sometimes.

Wow. Those last two sentences formed a Haiku. And I wasn't even trying.

Giddy up.

Rock Steady

2006-04-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

If you don't like it.... blame Hadler...

Maybe I should: finally learn how to die to self

I love: I love... I love your presence...

I don't understand: egos

People say I'm: weird

Love is: magnetic

Somewhere, someone is: jumping out of a plane

I will always: smile

Forever seems: mind-blowing

I never want to: miss an opportunity

I think our current President is: redeemed

When I wake up in the morning: I typically have a song in my head

I get annoyed when: people think they have you figured out. And they don't.

Parties are: more fun with Lloyd and Harry

My dog is: a punk.

Kisses are the worst when: they shouldn't be caught on film

Today I: watched the sunrise

Tomorrow I'm going to: pretend I'm here

I really want: to live a life worthy of the calling I have received

I have low tolerance for people who: say "I can't". And don't even try.

If I had a million dollars: Take my whole family to the Caribbean. And buy a Breedlove.

Flowers are Red

2006-04-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

Spring is here! And I am so happy! Every fall, with the crispness of the air, the smell of burning leaves, and the brilliant colors, I am convinced that nothing could be greater. However, the coming of each spring challenges my love for fall, more and more so every year. This morning as I pulled up to work, I was amazed at the beauty on our campus. Dozens of trees are blossoming and the thousands of tulips our groundskeepers have planted are in full bloom. And they are breathtakingly beautiful. Somebody please remind me why I have an indoor job? Or a job at all? Where, oh where, is my sugar daddy?

In other news, and as many of you have heard repeatedly, I am really excited about my new church. For so many reasons, but most of all because I feel like they, both individually and as a whole, are challenging me to be the truer me... the me I was created to be. Which is exciting because I'm not allowed to be complacent. I'm forced out of my comfort zone. It is good for me. :)

Friends, the day is beautiful. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, and the air is clear. I was a bit skeptical as to how the day would turn out when I had to break into my own house at 6 am this morning cause I had locked myself out. But so far, so good. GOD is good. (all the time...) And it's on days like this, where there is a longing to do and be so much more, I must stop and ask myself. What would Harry Chapin do?

Marry Me

2006-04-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

Throughout the years my family has teased and friends have asked, and my heart never fully realized the truth. Yet, in the past few months something has appeared that wasn't there before, the appearance of my best friend. At long last Tyler and I are now engaged, "unbelievable" as he would say! Love is how I express it. I don't know what to say! I'm so happy! I'll write more later, right now we both just want to enjoy this moment forever!!!

Baby got back

2006-03-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

This is for you, Girl. You're right. It really IS all about you. And in your honor, here is a haiku. Or two.

Girl - a haiku
Girl: one or many,
Masculine or feminine.
Nudo: big mistake.

Girl Part II - another haiku
A pumpkin named girl,
Super shirts multi colored:
Collectively weird.

More Than You'll Ever Know

2006-03-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

Everyone needs a friend like Ali. Everyone. The thing is, though, that there is no one quite like her. That being the case, I'm glad I have her. In my 25 years, I have yet to find anyone that blends so perfectly with me who is as sweet as her, as thoughtful, as compassionate, as generous, as loving, as gentle, as spunky, as forgiving, as encouraging, as challenging, as faithful, as godly, as passionate, as humble, or as exactly-what-I-need as her. She makes me laugh, she makes me better, she makes me strong. She makes me sweeter, she makes me see things more clearly, and she makes me special. Friends. Our. God. Is. Faithful.

Something brought you to my mind today, I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh. Yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you. Something 'bout just being with you; when I leave, I feel like I've been near God. And that's the way it supposed to be, yeah. Cause you've been more than a friend to me, you fight off my enemies. You have spoken the truth over my life. You'll never know what it means to me, just to know you've been on your knees for me. You have blessed my life, more than you'll ever know.

You had faith when I had none. You prayed God would bring me a brand new song when I didn't think I could find the strength to sing. All the while, I'm hoping that I'll do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me. And that's the way it oughta be. Cause you've been more than a friend to me, you fight off my enemies. You have spoken the truth over my life. You'll never know what it means to me, just to know you've been on your knees for me. You have blessed my life, more than you'll ever know.

You've carried me, you've taken upon a burden that wasn't your own. May the blessing return to you a hundred fold.

Cause you've been more than a friend to me, you fight off my enemies. You have spoken the truth over my life. You'll never know what it means to me, just to know you've been on your knees for me. You have blessed my life, more than you'll ever know.

Al, I may not have written them, but I mean these words with everything I have. You are my sister, you are my heart, and YAMF. Thank you for making my day brighter and my life sweeter.

How Great is Our God

2006-03-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

My friend Katie has the voice of an angel. And when she sings this song over me, I feel restored. It's been playing on my iTunes all morning. So far, it's playing for the 42nd time. Repetitious praise is good for the soul.

I thank God for my friends.

Ali shared with me this morning the following verse: "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer." Psalm 6:6-9

Her words and her heart - they bless me.

I will remember His faithfulness.

I’m starting to think Emma has it all figured out….

Anywhere but here

2006-02-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

Anyone up for a road trip? We don't have to go to this exact place. This place would work too.

In other news, does this photo make anyone else want to play dominos?

Mad props to two amazing girls who went out of their way last night to make me feel encouraged. Even better props to God. Philippians 4:6. Word.

Because of You

2006-02-14T22:09:00.000-08:00

On this fine day some 25 years ago, one of my most favorite friends was brought into this life. Tyler, you make me laugh, you make me think, and you make me better. So this is my salute to you - a little list I like to call, "The top 25 reasons Tyler is my friend." Evasive, I know. But enjoy! :)

You are my friend because......
Because you're a fun person to visit (scare) when on midnight walks in the rain.
Because of the night I had a bad headache and you rubbed my head instead of doing homework.
Because you took a risk on prom. And it paid off. (even though you actually ditched me while at the dance….)
Because of awkward confrontations of past mistakes at 54th street.
Because if arranged marriages were still commonplace, we would do pretty well.
Because you're not afraid to tell me how you really feel. (Even if it involves unabashed insults….)
Because of the time you held my hair back when I threw up.
Because of the boyish ways you get excited about things - like the new Superman movie.
Because of they way your hands get clammy and sweaty. It makes me laugh.
Because you go so far out of your way to make me feel loved and appreciated when I need it most. (….. Which includes countless roses, hugs AND making a way to get me a new guitar!)
Because of the way your voice gets really high-pitched and squeaky when you say, "What?!?"
Because you made the adjustment between highschool and college so much easier.
Because you're a pansy and I schooled you at mud wrestling.
Because I can school you at scrabble too.
Because you don't get mad at me when I'm honest with you.
Because out of all the people that call you, I am the one who's call you always return.
Because of the way you desperately trying to get me to come visit you.
Because you've forgiven me for the time I almost got you killed.
Because you always understand.
Because you're sneaky.
Because you still feel bad about ditching me for Des Moines.
Because you're man enough to let a handfull of girls drag you to church in pj's and Pooh slippers.
Because you believe in the gold at the end of the rainbow and you aren't afraid to take chances in order to get to that gold.
Because you would drop anything for a friend in need. (Like at New Years this year….)

…..and most importantly…..

Because of your good, honest, and loving heart that Christ's love is evident in.

You are a good man, Tyler. And I am blessed beyond words by you. Happy birthday!

Secret

2006-02-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

I am my own locked vault. Few are the friends who know the combination.

Remind me to stop changing the numbers around on them.

Good news is, I am a GREAT secret keeper. Go ahead. Try me. You won't be dissappointed.

All Shook Up

2006-01-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

There are times in life when your reality is deeply shaken through a series of events. Today has been one of those days. It has been a fairly normal day but as I was sitting here waiting for my lunch date to call, I decided to browse around on what's been going on in my friends' lives through the wonderful world of blogging. Let me preface by saying that things in my life have been somewhat difficult lately - there have been a lot of issues that have been weighing on my heart and my mind that have me questioning....waiting.....clinging. And today I have been reminded of how incredibly self-centered I have been.

A man and his companion, going to visit friends. Mistaken for someone else, they were both brutally and senselessly murdered. Realizing they had just killed the wrong people, the murderers drug the bodies to a nearby village, essentially framing the innocent village for their crime. Meanwhile, word gets back home. An innocent, loving, hardworking husband and father of 5 has been killed. In retaliation and anger, the friends and family of the slain attack the village where the bodies were found - burning everything and killing all of the animals. The innocent village then, robbed of all their possessions for a crime they did not commit, react with vengeance upon the original perpetrators. A war is still raging in the mountains between two villages - the framed and the guilty.

Back in St. Louis du Nord, the town weeps. Thousands of mourners file into the funeral of the men, wailing for the lost and comforting those left behind. The wife and mother of five falls apart. Being HIV positive, her body is already weak. She cannot support a family of six by herself. She decides to part with three of her children, sending them to an orphanage in another town. The children, not quite comprehending what has happened, are excited to go to the orphanage because it means they can eat. The oldest child, of only nine years, stays to help care for the youngest child of 18 months, who is also HIV positive.

A man murdered. A town shattered. A family ripped apart. All because of a mistaken identity.

This has been the life of my friend Heather this past week. Left to comfort and encourage, yet finding the questions of "Why" incredibly hard to answer. Yet she stays. She loves. She prays and she cries. And she lives a life worthy of the calling she has received.

Please pray for her.

Surrender

2006-01-16T08:00:00.000-08:00

Abraham. His story occupies a relatively small part of the Bible, yet is one of the great pillars of faith in the Christian religion, as well as the religions of Islam and Judaism. A very interesting man who I have been desiring to learn about a lot in the past week or so. I feel God has some great things to show me through his story and will share later what I've thought about so far. In the mean time, if you have any cool / interesting thoughts on Abraham, feel free to share. I actually ask that you do. I enjoy hearing what other people think on specific topics I am checking out. Anyway, just wanted to post this for now. Have a great day. :)

ps.... I just started this book so I can't recommend it, but so far, it has been enlightening. And the old man sitting next to me at the book store was impressed that I was reading it for leisure and not school. BJ- 2 Everyone else - 0

January

2006-01-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

The funny thing is, I find myself frequenting my own blog to see if there are any updates. I get disappointed when there aren't, then I remember that I am the one who has to update. So when there are none, it is really no one's fault but my own. Yet I'm still surprised. Odd.

In other news, I want to take a moment to promote something that is very near and dear to my heart. Music. Yes. As most of you know, music speaks to me. If there is a song in particular that really reaches out to me and grabs me in the moment, I become addicted and force the song on everyone who cares to listen. Because of this love I have, I get very excited about truly good music, even more so when backed by quality people. Which is what you find with, among many others, Matt Wertz, Third Day, Sister Hazel, and The State. I am here today to promote the latter of them all. Good. Deep. Rock. The State.

Headed up by two very driven and talented men, The State is venturing into the world of high voltage rock music with passion and determination. I am no musical critic so anything I attempt to say here will undoubtedly fall short of expressing the talent in the band; from lyrics to beat to the driving force of the lead guitar, this is a band that you will want to check out. You can sample some of their music here or you can go to www.ichannelmusic.com where you can search for them, listen to more of their music, rate it accordingly, and request their songs to be played via the online radio station operated by the website. And if you get the chance, check them out live. As with any good rock music, hearing them live is an experience you won't want to miss.

So there's my plug dedicated to a very good friend who is living out his dream. Check them out. It will be worth your while.

Emmanuel

2005-12-25T22:01:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all! :) For the most part, my Christmas was very normal with exception to a slight switch in the "routine", a change I was skeptical of since I am quite fond of traditions, but it actually was really nice. Things didn't wrap up at mom and dad's house until about 7 or so, when normally we all leave about 3. So, the new version of the family Christmas was actually an extended version. And I approve. :)

In addition to extending my love on Christmas, I also wanted to mention this book I just finished. It's by Anne Rice, an author well known for her historical and cultural accuracy. This one is about Christ, as you may have inferred from the title. This isn't your typical book on Jesus, however, as it is told in first person narrative (the first person being Jesus) between the ages of 7 and 8. The story's center is two fold: the physical journey of the family from Alexandria, Egypt where Jesus had lived since fleeing Bethlehem, to Nazareth coupled with the spiritual journey of Jesus as he discovers the mystery surrounding his birth and the fact that perhaps there is a greater purpose to his life.

It is a very interesting book, to say the least. Although obviously, there is no biblical context on which to base the book, Rice's description of the cultural and religious ways of the time is engagingly informative as she tells the story from such an intriguing view: that Jesus did not always realize that he was God. Which makes sense, but is something I have never thought about before. Jesus was born human; he was born a baby. Which means he had to learn everything in the manner humans must: how to walk, how to talk, how to interact with people. He essentially had to grow into himself just the same as we must, figuring out who he was and what his purpose was here on earth. Although the idea is something I had never thought of before, it all makes sense when realizing that he did not even begin his "ministry" until he was 30. From birth until then, he studied, he worked, and essentially, he grew. "And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." - Luke 2:52.

All this to say, the book is very interesting. Very thought provoking. At the very least, it's a fictional book laced with accurate descriptions of the times surrounding Jesus' childhood and the customary ways in which he would have been raised. For me, it was somewhat difficult to read at parts due to the depictions of a country at war with itself (something I was not expecting). However, the image of Jesus as a boy, the compassion and love he poured out on others even then, the idea of him "growing" into his ministry, it was all very encouraging and interesting. Definitely worth the read.

An interesting idea was presented several times throughout the book though, and I'm not quite sure what I think. So I pose this question to you. Please let me know what you think and feel free to back up with scripture if you so desire. Or don't because I'm not sure if there are any scriptures to argue either way. My question is: Do you think Jesus felt fear? And how does your answer play into Jesus being both fully God and fully human?

Alright, folks. Thanks for playing. Merry Christmas. In case you don't know them by heart (because I certainly don't), check out the lyrics to O Holy Night. I think last night, for the first time, I truly understood the lyrics and melted due to the amazing grace of God. "Long lay the world in sin and error pining, Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth." Amazing. Blessings and love to all. :)

Hero

2005-12-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

Your results:
You are Wonder Woman

You are a beautiful princess with greath strength of character

Wonder Woman		75%
The Flash		75%
Superman		70%
Supergirl		65%
Green Lantern		55%
Spider-Man		50%
Catwoman		50%
Iron Man		50%
Robin		43%
Hulk		25%
Batman		15%

Click here to take the "Which Superhero Are You" Quiz

I like these little quiz-guys.

Friends

2005-12-14T07:32:00.000-08:00

Many of you have been asking me about who these friends are that I continuously mention in my blog. I thought I would start a new thing of telling you about my people, as I like to call them. First up is Becky and Jason. For the most part, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. Jason is a dear friend who has brought much joy to my life through inappropriate jokes and ridicule. Plus, he's pretty much a pansy and I've won every rumble we've ever had. As you can see from the photo, his unruly hairiness came in handy during high school when his abnormally small town didn't have enough money to buy all the boys football jerseys. Jason took one for the team, bypassed the jersey, and wore his number, literally, on his back. Always sacrificing for the greater good, that Jason. Becky, his better half, is an angel. This isn't the most flattering photo of her I've ever seen (she's the one in the blue), but her inner beauty is overwhelming. She makes me laugh like no one else can and always has great stories to share from her work. I'm not sure how Jason got so lucky to end up with her, but let's just say I've heard rumors that there was a sizeable amount of money involved. Ok, folks. That's all for now. Stay tuned until next time when I give you the run-down on GalPal Tyler, the man who can't be trusted.

Winter Wonderland

2005-12-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Ah, I love the snow!!! We got such a massive dump of snow last yesterday and last night that when we let the dogs out this morning, all you could see of Scooter was his head floating in the snow. Buster was leaping around like a school boy, beckoning us to come outside and play with him. We didn't, but it looked like he was having fun. :) Anyway, since the roads are so bad, I'm working from home today also with the hopes of feeling better. I've been sick these last few days and I want to kick it before the weekend rolls around.

Speaking of the weekend, lets just say I am excited. Going to the 'ville for some much anticipated times with friends in celebration of my and Laura's birthday. Plans include a stop over at the Daum's festive Christmas hut, fun times at Smitty's with Bercos and Tab, hanging out at Emily's, seeing Narnia with a DEAR Friend, hopefully getting to see my old bible study girls, and then dinner at the Vaq followed by WORLDS of Leisurely fun. Bowling. I am excited. Many are the friends I hope to see. Mad props to the Frickster for taking a hit and willingly looking like a dork with me. May the Lord bless her for such friendship in action.

Some Kind of Miracle

2005-11-29T07:33:00.000-08:00

Another bundle of joy has graced the presence of my ever-growing family. That's 5 1/2 babies (still have one bun in the oven) in less than 4 years. CRAZY. Regardless, welcome to the world, baby Miles. Prepare to be blown away. :)

This Old Guitar

2005-11-27T22:08:00.000-08:00

I am blessed beyond words. I have the most amazing friends and family ever. As you all know, my guitar broke. I was sad. Angela offered to give me her guitar. I was happy, I was blessed, I thanked God. (see previous post if you have no idea what I'm talking about...) Apparently, that blessing simply wasn't enough. Over the weekend, it was revealed to me that several (aka MANY) of my friends chipped money into a pot in order to purchase me a new guitar. Apparently, Angela didn't know this was the plan when she offered me her guitar and later got chastised for her generosity by the originator of the "new guitar for BJ" fund. Sorry, Ang. :) Anyway, long story short, I am blessed beyond words. I really am just so incredibly overwhelmed by the generosity of my friends, by their desire to bless me, and by the overwhelming love God has for me that drove it all. I really wish I could vocalize accurately how the amazing outpour of love and support has touched me, but really the only words I can think of are humbled, overwhelmed, and blessed. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for being the visible tangible hand of God sent to make me smile. How GREAT is the love the Father has lavished upon me....

Restored

2005-11-17T12:29:00.000-08:00

My friends, our God is faithful. I'm not sure why I ever doubted it, questioned it, forgot it, overlooked it, or denied it. God is faithful. Last night, I was telling my dear friend Angela about my guitar woes and after she heard my story, she said, "Beej, can I tell you something?" sure, go for it. I thought she was going to change the subject to something more pressing (like her upcoming nuptials!). She simply said, "I want to give you my guitar."

What?!?!?

I told her it wasn't necessary, that I was OK and that there was no reason in the WORLD why she needed to give me her guitar. She responded by saying that she bought the guitar several years ago with the intention of learning how to play, but that it had been stored at her parents house for the last two years, not even being touched. And, if she ever DID want to learn, Dom has two guitars so she could just use one of his. She was very persuasive and generous, so I accepted. So as of tonight, I will be the new owner of Angela's guitar. I am so blessed. To top it off, she won't even let me give her any money for it. I am blessed.

I tell you this not to boast of my friends (who are AMAZING) nor to brag of my new guitar (which I am so excited about). I tell you this because through such a small and simple gesture, the Lord has restored me. I was so upset about my guitar breaking for several different reasons, the least of which actually being that the guitar was broken. And lately, I've just had a really hard time seeing how God is working and what He is doing in my life. Last night, through the kindness of my dear friend, the Lord reminded me that He IS faithful, He DOES love me, and He WILL take care of me. Even in the small things. Shall I not trust Him with the big things as well?

A big prayer of mine lately has been to simply focus on the Love God has for me and the way He desires to reveal that to me. I feel like it's something I've been overlooking lately... focusing my thoughts on people rather than Him, desires rather than blessings, confusion rather than His promises. The bottom line is that He loves me with an everlasting love, He pursues me with a godly jealousy, He is ONLY working for my good, He will never leave me or forsake me, He knows my innermost thoughts and loves me in spite of them, and above all, HE IS FAITHFUL. His future for me is full of hope and prosperity. He is within me, I will not fall. And he uses the simplest things, like a broken guitar, to remind me of such. His mercies are new every morning and I continue to stand amazed.

"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians (hardships) you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.'" Exodus 14:13-14

"How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us that we should be called the children of God." 1John 3:1

"I have set the Lord always before me, Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:8-11

"Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds.!" Psalm 72:18

Broken Again

2005-11-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

I've experienced a tragic loss. Last night, while on the phone with Tyler, I saw my guitar move out of the corner of my eye. I looked at it and all was well. I thought, "Well, I just put it back on the stand about 5 minutes ago, so I bet it just shifted a bit." A few moments later, in the slowest of all slow-motions ever, my guitar leaned forward and met its demise by belly-flopping onto my hardwood floor. I was shocked. I saw it coming, yet I couldn't do anything but sit there and watch. Time was frozen. I gasped. Tyler heard the crash and immediately asked what happened. I was aghast with denial. I stammered out, "um, I'm going to have to call you back." He again asked, "Beej, that didn't sound good. Are you ok? What happened?" After trying to explain what happened but not even being able to vocalize it, I just said, "Ty, I need to call you back" and hung up the phone. My roomie was calling at me from the other room, "BJ, are you ok? What happened?" I sat. I stared. I pleaded with time to rewind. Michelle came in, saw the guitar still on the floor, neck detached and strings limp. As she picked it up and tried to put it back together, mentioning that I might try superglue, I just sat and stared. And then, I cried. No joke. Not necessarily for the guitar itself (although I am very upset about that), but also for the loss of what it represented (personal quiet time and worship of God) and how desperately I desire that right now. I still don't think I've actually touched my guitar.... It's like when someone dies and you get so mad at that person for leaving you. And I am sad. This picture isn't a picture of my guitar, but it shows exactly where it broke. Definitely not fixable. Good thing you sent the flowers last week, mom and dad. They're coming in handy this week too. :)

I'm not quite sure how any of this can be blamed on Tyler leaving me for Boston, but I'm sure I'll find a way.

Speechless

2005-11-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

Anyone have anything they wanna share? Preferably something to make me laugh?? Come on.... It'll be fun.... :)

Thankful

2005-11-11T13:33:00.000-08:00

I feel so loved. :) Thanks, Mom and Dad. I am blessed beyond words by your love and grace.

"Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. " Isaiah 58:9

Nothing ever happens on Mars

2005-11-09T12:46:00.000-08:00

Nothing ever happens on Mars

No sports or entertainment, or swinging bars

You stand around,

you stand some more

On a planet named for a Roman god of war

Nothing ever happens on Mars

No supersonic airplanes, no sporty cars

The sun comes up, the sun goes down

You can't go to the country, you can't go to town

Boring...Boring...Boring...Boring

Circle

2005-11-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

All my life's a circle
Sunrise and sundown
Moon rolls thru the nighttime
Till the daybreak comes around.
All my life's a circle
But I can't tell you why
Season's spinning round again
The years keep rollin' by.

Dreamland Express

2005-11-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

If I had a dollar for every minute I have laid in bed wishing I was asleep, I would be a rich, rich lady. Almost as rich as I would be if I had a dollar for everytime I've said the phrases "sweet action" and "that's intense" as of late. I'm not sure where or why I picked up these phrases, nor do I know why I use them constantly. They are fairly functional, however. Try to use either phrase within the next 24 hours so I'm not the only one who sounds like a tool. Happy Friday to you all. The weekend is upon us. peace out.

For you

2005-10-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

This is for Elisa. She needs to know how to post pictures. She says it isn't as easy as it seems. Tyler, you shouldn't have left us. This picture was taken at Morgan and Nathan's wedding. I lived with these three girls (drea, Heather and Elisa) in Cabin 1 and Cabin who cares. It was fun.

The Answer

2005-10-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

I bought a new hat today for one dollar. That’s right. I thought it was going to cost me two dollars and at the cash register, it rang up as one. Hot dog.

I am supposed to be practicing my guitar right now. I am in a small group for worship leaders at church and I am supposed to lead tomorrow night. I am very easily frustrated when it comes to the guitar. Not playing the guitar, per se…. If I fiddle around with it enough, I can generally figure out how to play the thing. It’s when I try to play AND sing at the same time. I for the LIFE of me cannot do it. And it’s really getting old. I’ve been trying for years to play the piano and sing at the same time…all to no avail. I thought the guitar would be easier. I thought wrong. It pains me.

I had such a wonderful 4 day weekend in sunny Minnesota. It was one of those weekends where I was sad on Thursday evening because I knew I only had 3 days left. On Friday, I didn’t want Saturday to come because I didn’t want it to be more than half over. I even enjoyed every minute of the car rides….both there and back. That’s a rarity. I laughed a lot, danced a lot, and got better at my shimmy. I will say the two highlights the reception were Greg and I doing a stunning visual interpretation of “When I see you Smile” by Bad English and they way everyone went crazy when they played “Anything For Love” by Meatloaf. Also, Dylan and I had some fun stirring up trouble at a different reception, but that’s all I’ll say about that for now.

And because I made a deal, I will post this. Thanks to Becky (DAUM), fun can be had by all. I’ll post what she said about me in the comments. I think that’s how this is supposed to work. Peace. I’m out.

1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.

Best I'll Ever Be

2005-10-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

I attended a membership class at church the other day. Part of our time was spent in discussion groups where we were asked to say the best advice we had ever received. I said I had two - one from my mom and one from my dad. Coincidentally, both are biblical, which actually took me a long time to realize. My mom always reminds me to treat others the way you would want to be treated (#1) whereas my dad has countless times told me that he has never said anything out of anger that he didn't later regret (#2).

Out of all of the things my parents have individually and collectively taught me over the years, these are the #1 things that have stuck out to me from each of them. Whether or not that is what they would choose for me to remember, I am not sure. But much is to be said for both tidbits of wisdom. Too often I have spoken out of anger and later regretted it. Many, many times I have held my tongue in silence and later praised the Lord for His mercy in granting me a filter allowing comments to be kept to myself. I could give plenty of examples, but what I really want to talk about is the advice my mom has passed along....The Golden Rule.

The picture at the top of this post is of Jesus at the Last Supper. I was looking specifically for one of Him washing the disciples feet, but this was the best I could find. (Anyone looking to buy me a Christmas present??) The extreme significance of Him washing the disciples' feet is amazing to me and I feel I have only begun to tap into the truth behind the Heart of Jesus in this act of servanthood. At the Last Supper, Jesus knew his time had come. Not only that, he knew who would betray him and that the betrayal would end with much suffering. Yet he took on the very lowest form of a servant and washed his disciples' feet. One by one, he kneeled at their feet, cleansed them with water, then dried them with a towel. In John's account, it sets the scene by saying, "It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love." Amazing.

"He now showed them the full extent of his love."

The greatest act of love Jesus showed his disciples was to kneel before them and act as a servant to them. (It can be argued that Jesus's death on the cross was not out of love for us, but rather out of love for God....but that's probably another day's topic.) To place himself, essentially, at the bottom of the food chain and to treat them as royalty. The King of all creation washing stinky, dirty, nasty, grangy, mangly, sweaty, warty, calloused feet. In the stillness of that night, he knew that Judas would trade him for death, yet out of love and devotion to a friend who did absolutely nothing to deserve it, Jesus served him too.

I mean, really, this blows me away.

And I have much more commentary on it but I may save it for a later date in time because I want you to really think about the significance of this passage. I will let this be a time where I hold my tongue so that you may listen to the Lord's thoughts on the passage, not mine. ¡Toda la alabanza al dios para su amor que nunca falla!

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. - Ephesians 5:1-2

It is well

2005-09-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot where I wanted to start this blog off at. My dad always gets upset with me when I end sentences in prepositions. He also refuses to comment on my blog, although he always reads it (whenever there is something new) and makes verbal comments to me. Something about not wanting his thoughts to be made public. He's probably right. There's already enough garbage floating around on the Internet, we don't need anymore propaganda from an active liberal idealist to clog up our web. Not even in the instance to defend themselves, should the need arise, from someone who speaks out in a radically untruthful manner against them. Yep. No need to defend yourself, dad. We all know the truth. There is absolutely no need for you to ever post a comment here. Or desire. The world is better off without your thoughts being made available to the masses. (*Come on, reverse psychology. Work!!*)

In other news, this is how I feel these days. Stripped to the core, alone, blowing in the wind, yet completely surrounded by the grace of God. It is a beautiful thing in which I continuously marvel.

I have many friends who I love dearly and are forever good to me. The next portion of this post will be to say ways I have been blessed by friends as of late. I'm not going to think long or hard about it because otherwise, I could go on forever. This is just what's fresh in my mind.

1. Dom - for knowing me better than I think you should and not being shy with honesty when I need it.
2. Al - for knowing all my secrets and loving me more because of them.
3. Bercos - for the hilarious random cards you send. (I really AM like a hot sweater in July!)
4. Lauren - for making me smile even when you're not aware of it.
5. Dad/Triz/Dylan - for knowing how much random cuss words make me laugh and not holding back when I need a good one.
6. Becky - For the complete randomness of your e-mails. And your support for my love of mexican. (Food, that is.)
7. Angela - Because no matter how hard I try, I can never shock you with things I say / do. That's quality.
8. Dustin - you never give up on me and are a constant source of encouragement. That is quality as well.
9. Frick - I love your haikus. It's about time for another round.
10. Tyler - you could be on this list, but you left me. So, you're not.

I really didn't mean for that to be a rounded out list of ten, but there you have it. I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow, I have my first annual review at work. I can't believe it's been almost a whole year since moving from Kirksville. Time flies when you're having fun. A very wise man has told me more times than I can count that a man who doesn't love this life is crazy. Each passing day solidifies even more the truth of that statement. Call me Johnny Appleseed cause, MAN! The Lord is good to me!! Rock on, Jenna. Rock on.

Another Me

2005-09-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

I've realized lately how often I say the word "I". Check it out. Three times in a sentence that has only 10 words. For quite a while I've been more aware of my self-absorbedness and wanted to do something about it but really lacked the knowledge of what to do. Or maybe I just got lazy when it came to implementing action for change. Bottom line, I'm on a quest to become less focused on me, on my desires, my dreams, my thoughts, my feelings, my situation.....whatever the case may be. I have been incredibly blessed in this life and it is time to start giving God the praise He deserves. So often I look to him for help in guidance and in doing so, I look straight past who he is and focus solely on my problem and what benefit I can gain from Him. And honestly, that's crap. We're called to seek FIRST His kingdom....not His guidance, His help, His favor, etc. To simply seek HIM is all we're called to do.

SO.... that being said, I'm on a quest to give Him the proper praise He is due. Yes...the Lord desires us to come to Him with our requests and desires, but first and foremost, we must KNOW Him. Imagine a friend always coming to you saying, "I want this. I think you should do this differently. Would you please do this for me? I want you to make sure this never happens again. This is your fault. Would you please fix this?" And perhaps I made that quote too cordial for the way we approach God. To truly HAVE a friend is to truly BE a friend. And I'm not saying that God's love is conditional because it most certainly is not. What I am saying is that I have been entirely too selfish and self-centered in my relationship with the Lord that I have completely forsaken my first love. And that is something I intend to change by simply giving Him praise. Finding out new ways to love and bless Him. And for the times I simply feel like complaining for whatever reason, I will just turn to Psalm 100, specifically verse 5. That alone is reason to Praise God.

So all that just to say what I want. I want to hear cool things God has done / is doing in your life. A way we can be reminded of God's LOVE and FAITHFULNESS is to hear of His works in the lives of others. My challenge to you is to come up with 5 simple reasons why the Lord is worthy of your praise. And then I want to hear it. Either leave a comment or e-mail me. The Lord is good; let us give Him the praise He deserves.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

Nothing Compares

2005-09-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

What a blessing of a weekend this has been! Definitely one of those times where I want to go back and hit rewind to live it all again. Dylan came to visit, Drea was in town, babysat Emory - who completely stole my heart, listened to lots of live music which makes me smile, got to spend time with Nathan and Morgan, spent a bit of time with Becca and Nate, ran into random friends, spent some good time alone, just had a great phone conversation with Al.....All in all, it has been great. And I still have the rest of today and tomorrow!

I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions of what I want in life right now and what amazes me most (in a bad way) is how self-centered it all is. What have I done for the Lord today? I'm not sure. What have I asked from the Lord today? Where do I start.....All I ever do is ask.

In other thoughts, I really enjoy music. I love listening to a good band play live. Doesn't matter what type of music really....As long as it's played well. This weekend, I got to hear some really great live music (Third Day, Bethany Dillon, Jeremy Camp, Mercy Me, The State...). What's best about these groups is that not only is their music good and creative, it also speaks directly to the heart. There is nothing better than great music with even better lyrics. In honor of music today and bands who have fought hard to make their voice heard, I am including a top ten list of music that I never get tired of listening to - whether it be a particular song or artist. Enjoy.

1. Sister Hazel (favorite as of late)
2. Third Eye Blind (In particular Narcolepsy)
3. Shane and Shane
4. John Denver (I love the songs Matthew and For You)
5. Fall to Pieces (Avril Lavigne)
6. Ed Cash (Bercos - you know the song I love)
7. Watermark
8. Dave Matthews
9. Don't you know I've always Loved you (Third Day)
10. Spoken For (Mercy Me)

There you go. Look them up of you so choose. There are often times when I just flat out don't know what to say yet there is always at least one song that says it perfectly. Kind of like the book of Psalms - which coincidentally is mostly songs. Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Take note, friends. I have run out of things I want to say.

Peace out.

Life got in the way

2005-08-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

I love Fall with a passion. It is without a doubt my favorite time of year. Everything about it makes me smile. The colors, the crispness of the night air, the smell of burning leaves, the hints of Christmas, night time football games..... everything! The other seasons all have great things to offer as well, but in my book, Fall will always be number one! But since summer is slowly taking a bow, I will pay tribute to it with a top 5 list of things I did this summer.

1. Spend quality time with friends I don't see on a day to day basis.
2. Make cupcakes with my neice.
3. Look through old family photos of my sisters and I growing up.
4. Go for a walk at night in the mountains while it was raining.
5. Watch a 2 year old boy chase his bowling ball down the alley with his dad chasing after him only to watch both of them fall flat on their backs.

There you go. I know that's only 5 but that's good for now. I've really enjoyed my summer and have learned a great deal about how to be content where I am. I'm still learning and it's not always the easiest lessons when there are so many things I want out of life, but patience is a dear virtue and I am only 24. The best, my friends, is yet to come.

Grace like rain

2005-08-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

It should be said that I LOVE thunderstorms. And tonight, my friends, we had a doozy. I was out with a friend for dinner and when we were getting ready to leave the restaurant, the rain was so thick you could barely see across the street. Being the gentleman that he is, he offered to go get the car to pick me up. I just looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? I live for this! I love walking in the rain!!" Some of my favorite memories from college are when Ali and I would drop whatever we were doing and go for a walk in the rain. Oftentimes when it is raining here, I long for Ali to be close by so we can go for a walk. There is absolutely nothing sweeter than going for a walk in the rain with a dear friend. (Or a bike ride as the case may be, right Courts?) :)

Just looking around on the Internet for pictures to post, I found some amazing ones. And you would think, being an IP Paralegal and all, that I would know the copyright rules about posting someone else's picture on your sight, but I don't. But for a really cool collection of lightning photos, check out this website. My personal favorite is in the bottom row in the middle. Quite possibly the best photo of lightning I've ever seen.

Why do I love thunderstorms so much, you may be asking? The bold and awesome display of God's amazing power and the reality of His ability to smite us without a given notice. I remember one night, before Mikki got married, we were both staying the night at my parent's house. They live up on a hill with very few trees around and there was a MASSIVE thunderstorm going on. I crept into Mikki's room at about 2 or 3 am to see if she was awake and I found her sitting in her window seat watching the storm. I went over and sat next to her and we just sat there in silence for maybe an hour or so....In awesome amazement of God's strength and power displayed through such glory that still makes me weak. It is so amazing to me that the most damaging and powerful storms we face in the Midwest are also the storms that nourish the ground and enable life to grow more abundantly.

And you know what I love most about huge thunderstorms or even tornadoes? The morning after. What's the first thing you hear when you step outside? The songs of the birds. Even though the birds arguably have the most vulnerable position in which to weather the storm and are undoubtedly having to face damaged homes and injuries, the greet the morning with a song. The air is fresh, the grass is green, and brightness of the sun makes you forget just how dark the night was.

"Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you." Psalm 84:4

My Only Hope

2005-08-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

OK, so I know that isn't the best picture ever known to man. But, I like it. It was taken in Colorado and we were hiking to a place called Sundance Mountain. As the name would suggest, it's a great place to see the sunset from. It faces the west and provides an excellent viewpoint as the sun "dances" behind the other side of the continental divide. On this particular night, however, it was cloudy (which amplified the sunset in my opinion as the sun rays beamed down through the holes in the clouds) and rainy. It didn't start raining right away, but by the time we got down, my legs were frozen ice sticks. It was a good time, though. I made the mistake of running up part of it. Not the best idea at 10,000 feet. Oh well. Live and learn, friends. Live and learn.

I just returned from an amazing weekend at a conference designed to better equip women interested in speaking and writing in the ministry. It was held by Proverbs 31 Ministries and far exceeded my expectations. Pretty easy feat, I suppose, since I didn't really have any expectations to begin with. But it was really such a blessing.

For a while, I have felt nudged to kind of check out the whole "writing" aspect of ministry, but have felt many hesitancies in doing so. The main reason being that I just figured everyone struggled with the same issues I do and that thousands of woman have the exact same thing to say, they can just say it better. How arrogant to think that my problems are the only problems women have. SO not true! The walks of life represented there just made my head spin. The Lord is revealing His faithfulness in so many ways throughout hundreds of different trials faced by women today. I was completely clueless. It was a packed weekend that I am still absorbing. It felt odd getting into the shuttle today to ride back to the airport......I wasn't ready to leave. I wanted to learn more and hear more about God's work. It truly was such a blessing. The number one thing I will take away was the humbling reminder of how sweet and how gentle the love of our Father is. It blows me away.

Aside from the amazing spiritual blessings the weekend offered, it was also very insightful / helpful into the world of Christian publishing. For example, any given publisher will receive between 10,000 and 20,000 book proposals in a year. On average, only between 15-100 of those are published. I realize the rather broad gap between those statistics, but at its best, that means that on average, only 1% of submitted manuscripts are published per publisher, per year. Yikes! It's good, though, because through the reality of it all, it was so encouraging. I know that sounds odd, but above all, God is faithful.

I definitely have more to say on the issue, but it's probably one of those things where if you want to know more, you'll have to ask. Because I'm tired of blogging right now and I probably won't get around to it again. ;) In the mean time, I leave you with this story.....

All of my sisters are married. They all have kids. I am often teased about it....even more so because there's not even a boy in the picture for me right now. No big deal, I get over it, I move on. However, sometimes it is more obvious at events, such as family vacations, where all my sisters pose for pretty pictures with their husbands infront of a serene background. Last week in Colorado, all in all, there were 9 individual pictures of couples taken at one point in the trip. Let me just say my dad is amazing. I didn't even really care about the pictures.....I'm used to it. But he went above and beyond the call of duty, much like he has been doing all year whenever I have house / living issues I need a man's help with. It was so simple but so sweet. His gesture meant the world to me and it made my day. I love my dad. :)

Deep Enough to Dream

2005-07-30T18:11:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that I was with Angela and Dom and we walked outside of the K-Life house and saw a picture of Jesus up in the sky with several rainbows stacked up on top of each other (I think there were actually 7). I said, Guys, that is SO cool! And then it hit me and I started jumping up and down yelling, "Wait! It's the glorious appearing! Jesus is coming back!" And then I got nervous because there was still more I wanted to accomplish with my life but just as I was thinking that, someone said, "It's ok. We still have two more years on earth." And God was walking around surveying everything, much like a President will after a natural disaster strikes, and I got to shake his hand, but He threw me off cause he did a "cool guy" shake instead of a normal shake. And then I remembered that Dylan was inside sleeping and I needed to go wake him because he was missing the town meeting Jesus was conducting. Somewhere in there, Angela and Dom and I all did a standing spoon. And that was my dream. It's cool because I've always loved the Chris Rice song "Deep Enough to Dream" and now, I kind of have a dream of my own like that. I like it.

I guess I'd rather be in Colorado...

2005-07-22T16:55:00.000-07:00

So here I sit at the lovely YMCA of the Rockies trying to recover from the over-night trek through Kansas. I’ll tell you the Number 1 thing that stinks about Kansas is that there is absolutely NO cell phone signal available. If it were during the daytime, it might not have been a problem. If I weren’t by myself in a car, it definitely wouldn’t have been a problem. But given the fact that I was all by my lonesome driving from 7 pm to 5 am, I was hurting. Probably a good thing, though, that I didn’t have much of a signal. Might have upset a few friends if they received a phone call from me at such an hour. Trust me, I tried. I just did not prevail.

Anyway, it’s good to be here. I have already visited with several friends I made when I worked out here a few summers ago and it has been fun to see them. It’s fun to think of the ways God brings people into your life through completely random circumstances that just turns out to be a blessing. I approve. :)

Those of you who know me know that I enjoy messing with people. I have been known from time to time to pull some theory out of thin air, deliver with complete conviction and authority, leaving all who listen confident of my expertise on the subject and doubtless of the truth of the matter. Recently, however, that came back to bite me. Literally. Last weekend, I was in Kirksville with some friends and we decided to go out to Rainbow Basin to go hiking. In deciding what to wear, although the heat was next to unbearable, everyone but me chose to wear jeans. Their reasoning cited tall grass and prevalence of ticks. I told them that wearing jeans was a horrible idea and that it defeated the very purpose of avoiding ticks. I explained that when walking through the tall grass, the ticks will latch onto a textured fabric, such as jeans, with much greater ease than they would bear legs. I had no actual factual evidence to support my theory and had, in fact, just made it up on the spot, but I didn’t tell them that. It is actually common knowledge that most experts suggest covering your body woth pants, long t-shirts, etc. to avoid contact with the menacing creatures. My friends, however, had no knowledge of such advice and it is safe to say that I am no expert on the subject. I was very close to persuading a few of them, but when it was all said and done, we set out for the hike with everyone clad in jeans except for yours truly.

Lo and behold, I am a genius. Repeatedly along the hike, we stopped and checked for ticks; each stop yielding about half a dozen or so on each of my friends’ legs. I myself only found I think 2 ticks on the entire hike crawling on me. Let it be shown that my theory, once a simple fabrication of what SEEMED to be true, has now been tested and proved. I am most likely the smartest person you will ever meet for the level of education I have. The catch, though? Chiggers, my friends, prefer the bare-skinned patrons and I have unsightly bug bites all over my legs, accompanied by scratches from the tall grass and twigs.

Moral of the story? Just because my theories are purely a stroke of genius and always prove true, they may not always be the best to follow. Let that be a lesson to you all.

***Bonus points to anyone who can guess the artist of the song, "I guess he'd rather be in Colorado...He'd rather spend his time out where the sky looks like a pearle after the rain...."

The Beautiful Letdown

2005-07-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

So as it turns out, I'm not entirely convinced this whole "blog" thing is for me. I'm trying....I think about it a lot; not only what I'm going to say, but when I'm going to set aside time to do it. But when it comes right down to it, I'm not quite sure I care too terribly much. That was, my friends, until today. Rudely and unexpectedly, I got booted from a fellow blogger's listing of links. I dare not call him friend after he purposely removed me simply to bully, claiming that he would put me back on the map as soon as I began to have a site worth noting. I do not hesitate in the least to mention that he let another link on his page sits idle for WEEKS without repercussion, but in preparation for my backlash must have pulled it from his site. Far be it from him to publicly chastise one of his own. So, defiant of his tauntings, yet recognizing their success, I post this. We'll see where it goes from here.

The first post

2005-07-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

I can't make any promises, Ty.....but at least I have it set up.....